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Thursday, March 14, 2013

I knew it would manifest, so when it raised it's head and peeked through the shadows, where it had been hidden for so long, I wasn't surprised. I wasn't surprised by my reaction to its ability to hold me hostage, and its attempt to take control of not only my life, but my inner most being as well.

Actually, to be truthful, it's like visiting an old friend, one that you haven't seen in years, yet are able to pick up where you left off as if no time had passed. 

It's strangely comforting, while at the same time, frightening. I've missed it, longed for it, if only for a short time. I knew, however, that its presence could instigate darkness, confusion and potentially harm.

Even though I knew it was inevitable, it came upon me slowly, as if it were stalking its prey. I guess in a sense it was, and in the in end, it captured me. I need to enjoy it while it lasts, as well as try to tame it, and send it back into the shadows.

It has a clinical name, hypo-mania, as well as physical feelings of jubilation, freedom, happiness and a sense of all being right with the world. Then why, many would ask, is it something I need to be circumspect with? Feeling wonderful and full of life is a good thing, and for many it is.

However, for me, it's something to be carefully monitored. I have a difficult time discerning whether my mood is just the typical good mood of an outgoing person, or if it is a symptom of something that could possibly consume my soul.

I'm angry that I've been put in the position of being tempted to go with the flow, and ride the wave of sunshine and rainbows, I'm angry that I'm tempted to toss all the meds and allow this feeling, the feeling I associate with the "real" me, to be freed from its cage and allowed to fly unencumbered.

I can't allow myself to go with the flow. The symptoms of hypo-mania are prevalent and I know them well enough to call them by name, to recognize them for what they are, and to know to try my best to keep them at bay. If I allow them to take me, as I'm so tempted to do, I know there will eventually be a fall that will be deep and a darkness will envelope me.

There is an upside of the spiraling fall, my creativity will thrive, my writing style will become more poetic, lyrical,  and insightful. Most of my best pieces were written while being tightly held in the talons of the demons the fall brings. I can't allow that to happen, others will be pulled in with me, and their lives will be affected. They will become hyper vigilant and my every movement will be monitored.

Even though I enjoy the overwhelming feelings of joy the hypo-mania brings forth, I'm angry a doctor that solely deals with the physical body, and knows very little of afflictions of the mind, demanded I toss one of my most critical medications. I'm angry that I was put in a position of having to defy his warnings and defend the regimen that has kept me stable for a very long time. I'm angry that I yielded and insisted I would only half the dose, not stop it.

Since I have realized what is really happening, I've taken appropriate action and conferred with the man that is responsible for the stability of my moods. I will resume his recommended dose of the forbidden medication, and I will increase another one slightly.

If I'm lucky, I will be able to hang on to the best of my personality, and quell the sleepless nights, the ever present need to be doing something, to be doing anything, and other tell-tale symptoms of hypo-mania.

I will enjoy it while it lasts, I will mourn its passing and I will rejoice when stability, once again, enters my life.



W.C.Camp March 15, 2013 at 4:57 AM  

It's good to consult with the Doc that has given you the most stability and success. However, in general the goal is successfully survive and thrive on the LEAST amount of external meds for your body chemistry. Keep your chin up - you know what's right! W.C.C.

MarkD60 March 15, 2013 at 7:26 AM  

Any doctor that wants to take you off at least some of your medication is ok in my book.
I worry about you.

Angelwithatwist March 15, 2013 at 8:13 AM  

First of all what damn business does doctor have in telling you to decrease the medications that are keeping you stable?? I would have punched his dumb ass. Seriously. I hate pompous asses like that who assume they know more than you and your psychiatrist about your body's chemical needs to remain stable. GRRR. I am glad you held your ground and knew the warning signs. Now I would go give asshat a piece of my mind..

middle child March 15, 2013 at 9:01 AM  

Such a difficult balance to deal with. I am sure it is much harder than people realize.
My heart is with you.
Prayers and blessings.
Love and acceptance.

Outcast March 15, 2013 at 9:49 AM  

Oh I feel like I can really empathise with this and I know like you that it really is a double edged sword, it's a wonderful feeling at the time but you worry that if it's not a natural way of feeling then it's not sustainable and that upcoming crash is scary to think about it. Hopefully this euphoria and happiness lasts Diva, nobody deserves it like you do.

Anonymous,  March 15, 2013 at 12:04 PM  

My prayers are with you sweetie. I hope the med changes help. *hugs*

Unknown March 15, 2013 at 12:08 PM  

So very well said, I shared this with my family to describe perfectly how I feel. Thx so much. I miss the "me" I was accustomed to for sooo long!

Unknown March 15, 2013 at 12:09 PM  

Thank you so much for this. I have shared it with my family because this is exactly how I feel. I miss the "me" I was accustomed to for so long.

The Bipolar Diva March 15, 2013 at 4:31 PM  

I realize the fewer medications, the better. However, to chance a spiral just isn't worth it.

Nicole March 15, 2013 at 4:33 PM  

Yikes, that would suck having to let go of the "feel good" euphoria. Fascinating, Miss Diva. ;-)

The Bipolar Diva March 15, 2013 at 4:34 PM  

Frazzled, thank you so much. It's difficult, much of the time, for those that are not afflicted with the disorder to understand the things we experience.

The Bipolar Diva March 15, 2013 at 4:34 PM  

Angel, want his phone number? lol

Andrea L March 15, 2013 at 6:18 PM  

Sometimes I honestly don't know how you manage to do and accomplish all that you do! I am diagnosed Bipolar II, so only once have I experienced the hypo-mania that you are talking about...I'm more often on the very low end of things. There are more days than not that all I want to do is sleep. Really hoping you manage to get your meds all balanced out as soon as possible! Sending virtual hugs to you!

The Bipolar Diva March 16, 2013 at 1:53 AM  

Nicole, it really does. sigh, oh well.

The Bipolar Diva March 16, 2013 at 1:55 AM  

Andrea, I feel I accomplish so little. I think that I'm more hypomanic because of the anti depressant I'm on. It induces hypo mania, but it's the only one I've found that controls the overwhelming depression. I tend to be, while un medicated, on the low side as well. I hope it all comes together too...and soon!

Rachel Cotterill March 16, 2013 at 11:46 AM  

*hugs* I hope you're able to find a capable doctor who understands both sides of the body/mind.

Everyone I know who has any prescription for any mental illness describes it as some kind of compromise between "feeling yourself" (off meds) and "feeling well". It's one of the strangest paradoxes of being human.

The Bipolar Diva March 16, 2013 at 7:28 PM  

Rachel; I have an incredible psych that understands really well the connection between chemical balance and bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, my primary care doctor doesn't quite grasp it yet.

Snowbrush March 16, 2013 at 8:34 PM  

If you've been bipolar for a long time, why are you only now aware of hypomania? Were you actually unipolar before?

The Bipolar Diva March 16, 2013 at 8:50 PM  

I didn't know what normal was before. It's like living in the Midwest and never seeing the ocean, you have no idea until you've experienced it and go back to the Midwest. Bad analogy I know. But before I thought everyone felt life as I did, I had no idea I was off balance. Now I recognize the parts of me I thought were just quirky things were actually something more serious. I can look back and see it through out my life now. Hard to explain. Unless you've been there. It's like when I grew up in Texas and everyone not from Texas talked about the humidity. I had no idea what they were talking about, to me it was normal. Then I moved to Washington, where the humidity was almost non existent. A year after living in Wa.I went back to Texas and it was 95 degrees and 95% humidity, THEN I knew what humidity was. Same thing with my bipolar....mood swings. Now I know and recognize when I'm in trouble and can intervene.

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