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They Should Post Warnings For People Like Me

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

I saw it. I liked it. I bought it. Should have been the end of the story, but nooooooooo, not in my house, not in my world.

I really didn't think it through, which was evident yesterday afternoon. It's an absolutely beautiful Free People "Belladonna" dress. And that, is where it all began. Well, actually it began with a half bottle of wine, a credit card, an Ambien and the most dreaded symptom of hypo mania.....insomnia.

Wine, Ambien. hypo-mania, insomnia, a credit card and a lap top mean things tend to show up from time to time that I have no memory of purchasing. Oh, I have to admit something else showed up today. It's in the back seat of my car, waiting. It's waiting because I'm too afraid to bring it in the house and too in love with it to send it back. So, patiently it waits while I come up with a reason to justify it remaining a member of the family.

The night I ordered the dress I should have read the description a little more closely, or maybe pictured the description with clearer vision, before I clicked "purchase."

"Crochet high-low dress with "V"-neckline and crisscross straps in the back."

Sounds simple, right? The clues are all there, "crochet," "high-low," and, "crisscross straps in the back." They were proudly displayed beside the picture of the much coveted dress.

Simple. To the point. And so very dangerous.

The UPS guy rang the bell, Nikki ran to the door and grabbed the package. I asked her to open it.  When I looked at the dress, as she shook it out, I thought it might be a little too short for me in the front.

"Mom, go try it on. I'll tell you if it is too short and if it is I'll buy it from you."

Sounded like a perfect plan at the time. I grabbed the dress, went to my room and began to undress. When I was ready to try the dress on, I remembered it said, "crisscross straps in the back."

No problem, I had it. I fooled around with it for a few minutes, trying to get my arms through the correct straps, so the crisscross would actually be in the back and the "high" part of the dress in front. It also has a slip lining. Crisscross back, slip lining, always a bit tricky. You'd have to be a girl to know that I guess.

I finally thought I'd figured it out. Got my arms and head through the straps of the dress, then the next over looked danger sign, "crochet." Oh, Lord God in Heaven.

I wear a Tiffany bracelet on my right wrist, and on that bracelet dangles a jet charm that has propellers that spin. It''s to remember my father, a jet pilot. The problem with that charm is that it tends to get caught on my clothes. Yep, you got it.

Crochet and jet propellers do not mix. I ended up in the precarious position of the dress half on, arms all twisted over my head, I couldn't move. I couldn't get the charm out of the crochet. I couldn't do anything. I yelled for Nikki to come to my aid and try free me from the giant tangled mess of black crochet, straps and jet propellers.

It took her a minute, but she was able to work her magic and free the propellers from the fabric without damage to either. Then I wriggled into the dress, pulled down the lining and something wasn't quite right. It fight strangely. I couldn't get it straight.

"Mom, I think you might have it one sideways. I'll look for the tag."

She found the tag, and sure enough, hands and head were put through the wrong straps. I thought it would be easy to just take my arm out, twist the dress and all would be good.

As if! The dress is made to be form fitting, meaning tight.  I tried to get my arm out and it wasn't happening. As I tried to remove said arm, I began to spin in a circle. Nikki was laughing hysterically. The more I tried, the more I spinned, and the more Nikki laughed.

Then I lost my footing and fell into the counter top, still all tied up in the beautiful, crocheted, high low dress with the crisscross in the back.

"Mom, STOP! You're going to fall into the bathtub and kill yourself!" All this said while laughing to the point of crying. She has a bronchial infection, so her laughter sounded more like a barking seal. She couldn't catch her breath. She was bent over at the waist, laughing, crying, and barking.

She laughed herself nearly to death as I struggled. Finally I was able to get my arm out, turn the dress, pull down the slip, and was able to see how it looked. It looked great! It was short in the front, but not too much, it would be fine. It fit perfectly. I loved it!

Then, well then I realized I had to take it off.




 

28 comments:

Andrea L March 21, 2013 at 4:08 AM  

LOL I can honestly picture you trying to get into the dress...thanks, I needed a giggle this morning :)
(apparently mania & fibromyalgia do not go well together ~ yes, after yrs of not having any type of manic episode, had somewhat of one yesterday...and am paying for it with severe pain today :( ....)

Pretty Purplexing March 21, 2013 at 5:48 AM  

Ahhh, the things women go through to look beautiful! Great, humorous story!

Danielle Spakes March 21, 2013 at 5:57 AM  

It's a pretty dress though :) I'm sure you'll find the perfect time to wear it.... but maybe without a bracelet? Lol

Angelwithatwist March 21, 2013 at 6:40 AM  

I had to laugh at your trouble with the dress. I hate cross over straps in the back for the same reason. I would have been like you daughter laughing while I tried to rescue you..

Anna See March 21, 2013 at 7:10 AM  

Oh my! I was so afraid you were going to tell me your bracelet ripped that thing to shreds. Whew!

gracefully50 March 21, 2013 at 7:32 AM  

LOL! I hope you kept the beautiful dress!

MarkD60 March 21, 2013 at 8:12 AM  

Only one problem with this story:
1) Jets don't have propellers
2) No pictures of you wearing the dress.
Two problems.

Recovering Church Lady March 21, 2013 at 8:48 AM  

:) thanks for the morning giggle!

YeamieWaffles March 21, 2013 at 10:10 AM  

Pretty interesting story Diva, honestly most importantly I'm glad that you enjoy the dress even though it was a little awkward to get into in the first place haha, hopefully your hypnomania doesn't get too intense and leads to you buying too much though, I know it's a slippery slope.

The Bipolar Diva March 21, 2013 at 10:26 AM  

Andrea, Mine has finally waned, a little tweak of the meds and I'm flying straight again!

The Bipolar Diva March 21, 2013 at 10:27 AM  

PP, I know? We go through some pretty hair raising things!

The Bipolar Diva March 21, 2013 at 10:29 AM  

Danielle, I think you're right...sans bracelet!

The Bipolar Diva March 21, 2013 at 10:29 AM  

Angel, I could have used your help!

The Bipolar Diva March 21, 2013 at 10:29 AM  

Anna; We all made it through!

The Bipolar Diva March 21, 2013 at 10:30 AM  

G 50, yes, I kept the dress :)

The Bipolar Diva March 21, 2013 at 10:34 AM  

Mark, yes, many jets have propellers. they are caller turbo props. Large military and civil aircraft, like the Lockheed L-188 Electra and Tupolev Tu-95, have turboprop power. The Airbus A400M has
four Europrop TP400 engines, which are the third most powerful turboprop engines ever produced. The Jets my father flew,however, were Gulfstreams, those do not have props. He was a private pilot, not an airline pilot. But, yes, there are jsts with props.

The Bipolar Diva March 21, 2013 at 10:38 AM  

Yeamie, yes, the hypo mania is under control. I have learned the symptoms, sometimes it takes me a day or two, but I recognized them and called the psych and we resumed the correct dosage. My primary about had a coronary when he saw my thryroid levels and insisted I stop all thyroid meds, well that sent me straight into hypo mania. I think he got a bit angry with me when I told him he needed to study up on the effects of thyroid on bipolar!

W.C.Camp March 21, 2013 at 7:40 PM  

I think after all that your daughter deserves a 'matching' copy so you both can go out on the town together as your own 'spinning' drill team!
W.C.C.

myinnerchick.com March 22, 2013 at 9:17 AM  

Oooooo, I just wish to gosh you had this on video, girlfriend!

thanks for the giggle. Xxx

Osbasso March 22, 2013 at 10:05 AM  

This would have been a much better post if you'd have included video. :-)

The Bipolar Diva March 22, 2013 at 6:41 PM  

Ha! video would have been, uh, hahaha.

Nolie March 23, 2013 at 1:01 PM  

I am very disappointed in Nikki that she did not video tape this.

The Bipolar Diva March 23, 2013 at 5:19 PM  

I'm not even I would be able to view it......

**** April **** March 30, 2013 at 3:47 PM  

THIS is me... EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. i try to remove a sports bra after working out.

It's pathetic.

WHAT a laugh!!!

Classic NYer April 2, 2013 at 2:10 PM  

I don't know which is the juicier mental image: you wearing the hell out of that gorgeous dress, or watching you squirm in and out of it.

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