Sunday, April 14, 2013
I'm really sleepy, or at least I think I am, but I know that sleep does not fall upon me easily. I'll turn off the light, snuggle under the pillows, and before I know it, three or four hours will have passed, and my mind will still be processing thoughts of the day.
It's been a difficult day to get through. Cores have been rocked, and thoughts, never before imagined, have run through my mind, actually they've been brought to fruition. Nothing physically harmful, nothing physically dangerous, only, before last night and today, emotionally unimaginable. It made me realize that I am more fragile than I like to portray. It's a weakness of mine in reality.
I think the fear of abandonment runs deeply within my veins. How does one really, I mean really, not just going through the movements, get through that? How does one heal, move forward, and find a sense of value, of worthiness and of security?
So much of the time I attempt to ignore the fear, the gnawing, but ignoring it doesn't make it go away, it only hides it for a time. The soul of fear hides in the shadows awaiting the perfect time to dig in its talons, and hold me tightly, attempting to asphyxiate the feelings that should prevail, feelings of light, and solidarity, of faith and of familial belonging.
I guess hitting it head on might work for some, ignoring it for others, but for me, I've not yet figured it out. I think it's in those times I fall into the welcoming arms of self indulgence. My therapist would tell me, and has told me, that is a good thing. I need to take care of myself, he says. I need to step away and focus on myself and my needs. I, however, I know the truth.
Self indulgence, for me, is as harmful to my being as razor blades, in the past, were to my arms. It does have the same effect, euphoria, numbing of all things hurtful and a sense that I do exist, that I am alive. I know that, truthfully, it's nothing more than superficial motions. Motions, that for awhile, take away the sense of being alone in the world, of wandering lost within a darkened forest, with not another sole on which to lean.
I play a good game, most of the time. There are a few, a very select few, I entrust with the reality of the fears that haunt me. I've not even revealed the depth of those feelings with the one I should trust more than any other living being.
This morning was especially difficult to navigate. Because of my hurt and confusion an argument ensued, not one that was warranted, it only signaled something more deep, more sinister, and so totally unexpected. But the one that was used as a target for my pain, only brought me a glass of iced tea, a slice of pizza, closed the door and left me alone.
He's learned, through the years, that there are times I just need to "be." He's learned not to ask questions, but to wait for me to share, or to not. He's felt isolated far too many times because of my shutting down and withdrawing from everything I should cling to.
Yes, this writing has been therapeutic. A light has suddenly been illuminated and I've realized what I've done to him is the same thing I've feared happening to me, abandonment. I've unintentionally inflicted insecurity on him, and have rocked his core, his sense of worth, his sense of belonging.
I know how painful it is, I know how scary it is, and I know how hurtful it is when someone you trust, you love, turns their back. Now I know I've done that to him, and now I know it's something I need to change.
I don't want him to experience the feelings I've experienced, I don't want that uncertainty to bury itself within his soul. I want him to know he's important to me, I want him to know that he does matter. I want him to know, to feel, to live and to breathe, that not only do I need him in my life, but that he is important, that he does matter. Yes, he is all those things, and although I've always known that he is, I now know that I need to show him.
Yes, it's true, at least in this instance, every cloud does have a silver lining.
Now, who do I write the co-pay check to?