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Let's No Longer Pretend

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Sometimes I just don't know where to start, or really what to say. I think it's during those times, for me anyway, writing is the most therapeutic.

I'm really sleepy, or at least I think I am, but I know that sleep does not fall upon me easily. I'll turn off the light, snuggle under the pillows, and before I know it, three or four hours will have passed, and my mind will still be processing thoughts of the day.

It's been a difficult day to get through. Cores have been rocked, and thoughts, never before imagined, have run through my mind, actually they've been brought to fruition. Nothing physically harmful, nothing physically dangerous, only, before last night and today, emotionally unimaginable. It made me realize that I am more fragile than I like to portray. It's a weakness of mine in reality.

I think the fear of abandonment runs deeply within my veins. How does one really, I mean really, not just going through the movements, get through that? How does one heal, move forward, and find a sense of value, of worthiness and of security?

So much of the time I attempt to ignore the fear, the gnawing, but ignoring it doesn't make it go away, it only hides it for a time. The soul of fear hides in the shadows awaiting the perfect time to dig in its talons, and hold me tightly, attempting to asphyxiate the feelings that should prevail, feelings of light, and solidarity, of faith and of familial belonging.

I guess hitting it head on might work for some, ignoring it for others, but for me, I've not yet figured it out. I think it's in those times I fall into the welcoming arms of self indulgence. My therapist would tell me, and has told me, that is a good thing. I need to take care of myself, he says. I need to step away and focus on myself and my needs. I, however, I know the truth.

Self indulgence, for me, is as harmful to my being as razor blades, in the past, were to my arms. It does have the same effect, euphoria, numbing of all things hurtful and a sense that I do exist, that I am alive. I know that, truthfully, it's nothing more than superficial motions. Motions, that for awhile, take away the sense of being alone in the world, of wandering lost within a darkened forest, with not another sole on which to lean.

I play a good game, most of the time. There are a few, a very select few, I entrust with the reality of the fears that haunt me. I've not even revealed the depth of those feelings with the one I should trust more than any other living being.

This morning was especially difficult to navigate. Because of my hurt and confusion an argument ensued, not one that was warranted, it only signaled something more deep, more sinister, and so totally unexpected. But the one that was used as a target for my pain, only brought me a glass of iced tea, a slice of pizza, closed the door and left me alone.

He's learned, through the years, that there are times I just need to "be." He's learned not to ask questions, but to wait for me to share, or to not. He's felt isolated far too many times because of my shutting down and withdrawing from everything I should cling to.

Yes, this writing has been therapeutic. A light has suddenly been illuminated and I've realized what I've done to him is the same thing I've feared happening to me, abandonment. I've unintentionally inflicted insecurity on him, and have rocked his core, his sense of worth, his sense of belonging.

I know how painful it is, I know how scary it is, and I know how hurtful it is when someone you trust, you love, turns their back. Now I know I've done that to him, and now I know it's something I need to change.

I don't want him to experience the feelings I've experienced, I don't want that uncertainty to bury itself within his soul. I want him to know he's important to me, I want him to know that he does matter. I want him to know, to feel, to live and to breathe, that not only do I need him in my life, but that he is important, that he does matter. Yes, he is all those things, and although I've always known that he is, I now know that I need to show him.

Yes, it's true, at least in this instance, every cloud does have a silver lining.

Now, who do I write the co-pay check to?


 

17 comments:

YeamieWaffles April 14, 2013 at 4:51 AM  

It sounds like you're going through a hard time Diva which makes this a little tough to read, I really feel for you and what you're going through but if anything you're a fighter and you're going to continue fighting. I wouldn't worry about being abandoned, nobody in your life is going to abandon you, they all think you're amazing, never forget that.

Tami April 14, 2013 at 5:43 AM  

I take advantage of my husbands love. I except it to be there, but do not show him love in return. I have a wall around my heart - even to him. I've protected myself all these years and need to let him in.
I can relate to a lot of your post. I feel your pain. I wish there was an easy answer. But there isn't, is there?
xoxo

Recovering Church Lady April 14, 2013 at 11:54 AM  

You are a better person than you think you are. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the break that you so easily give to those around you. Love you and praying for you Sweetie.

Red Shoes April 14, 2013 at 12:09 PM  

Life has a tough learning curve to it. Sometimes, one Life just isn't enough for us to be able to learn/process what it is we need to learn.

Who do you pay? I think Tami above nailed it just right. You need to let him in... or at least show appreciation for his giving you 'your' time...

~shoes~

The Bipolar Diva April 14, 2013 at 12:40 PM  

RCL: Thanks, that's comforting. Life, sometimes, throws a few curve balls.
Bet, well, I guess it is what it is?

The Bipolar Diva April 14, 2013 at 12:41 PM  

I guess I should have said "but," instead of "bet, " lol

The Bipolar Diva April 14, 2013 at 12:43 PM  

Shoes, you're right. Sometimes, I think it's easy to realize he is there, but after a few revelations yesterday, I realized, "hey, is that what I do to him?" I don't want him to experience what I did. Family is family, right? Usually...hard lessons learned are some of the best I guess. It is what it is.

The Bipolar Diva April 14, 2013 at 12:45 PM  

Yeamie, yes, it was hard, surprising, confusing, but reality I guess. I'll get on with it, realize a piece I thought was there is gone, and go forward.

The Bipolar Diva April 14, 2013 at 12:47 PM  

Tami, Yes, I've protected myself as well, especially after my parents died, but I still had my "core," but, yes, I need to realize I need to be more available to him, let him in on what's bothering me, the hurts, the goods, the all.

Pat April 14, 2013 at 3:04 PM  

It was hard to read this. To read about your suffering and pain. But then again I was happy to read of your growth and your realization of who you were hurting and what you were doing wrong. That is a big accomplishment And the first step of healing.

The Bipolar Diva April 14, 2013 at 5:01 PM  

Thanks Pat, literally toward the end it was an OMG moment! Yes, good things can come through the bad :)

Carrie April 14, 2013 at 5:24 PM  

Co-Pay can be written to me ;) <3 I know this feeling, this emotion, this terrible lashing out and hurting those that we know will endure it. I know that pain when we finally realize that we've done it to those that love us. I know the fear of losing them as soon as we realize what we've done. I know the pain in the heart. I know and I love you for finding your inner strength to post this...well, I love you anyway but you know what I mean. <3

Unknown Mami April 16, 2013 at 8:18 PM  

You write that co-pay check to yourself. You earned it.

The Bipolar Diva April 16, 2013 at 11:58 PM  

Unknown Mami, thank you. you know what? I think I will! <3

The Queen April 18, 2013 at 9:19 AM  

Here is the deal Diva, you are worth too much to us MAKE yourself go through all this.

Here comes a slap up side the head girl..

Wake up, you are one of the most valuable people in the world. Look at what you have given. Look at what you have lived through.

Don't you think it's about time you pat yourself on the back, give those around you a REAL hug, and get on with what you do best?

Which is being awesome, and lovable, and loved.

I've watched for years as you put on a good front for everyone, at the same time you are beating yourself up with your own hand. Stop doing that.

Let it out. You let it out to us, how about you let it out to the one who has loved you the most. He's still there when he could have run a long time ago.

Hope that makes sense and you feel it with the love I wrapped around it before I slapped you with it.

smooches..

The Bipolar Diva April 18, 2013 at 9:06 PM  

Thanks so much Queen! There's a whole back story that I won't go into here. We'll just say that it, most of it, has resolved because of an amazing man, that is not my husband, although my husband is great too, but my brother, well, it kind of goes without saying.....ya know, being the brother of a Diva and all.

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