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Stop The Spiral

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Dr. Jakob, in the ICU
Worried in ICU



Sara and blood thinning shots
My focus lately has been the recovery of my husband, med doses, baths, pillows, water, company, talk, togetherness. Applying pain patches, talking to doctors, Physical Therapists, all things medical.

So much to do that no one really can "see." All they see is that I'm gone a lot.  Insurance, fighting, arguing, negotiating, bids, invoicing, contracts, getting things notarized, gathering belongings from freaking YAMHILL COUNTY. That's a LONG FREAKING drive from Happy Valley. I get the feeling people think I'm doing nothing, well if they want to step into my shoes, they are more than welcome to.

Working with insurance adjusters, looking for more insurance with much higher medical coverage, negotiating between the repair shop and the insurance adjuster, speaking with deputies, gathering images and reports. No one else can do those things.

We all have a part in the care taking of our main guy, and it all matters.

But I've been pushing the limits both physically and mentally. I'm recognizing the signs, but seem to be able to do nothing to side track them. I have to focus, and for me, sometimes focus is difficult, sometimes too intense.

But I smell it lurking around the corner, the black dog. I'll keep him caged, even if I have to cut ties with the world for a day to do it.

As of now I feel really selfish. I've spoken with all of my doctors, they have all said the same thing, take time to breathe, get out, forget, if only for a moment. Actually, I need to make it my top priority, or I will be no good to anyone. It's difficult when I have a broken husband, not only physically, but emotionally as well.

She won't leave him


He's trapped, alone and can do nothing for himself.

For me I know I need  my sleep patterns uninterrupted, major factor in bipolar, I need my meds regulated, I need to breathe deeply. I need to rely on others to help. And some have been very helpful!

Right night now, as of this moment, maybe not tomorrow, I feel afraid, not only for Jeff and our basic financial obligations, and medical bills, but also of my emotional state. I need to hang on, I need to make it through, for him.

I need to remember, this too shall pass. I also need to realize to ignore the haters, the ones that say horrible things, and the ones that have shown their true colors. Lies, gossip and maliciousness, I have no use for.

I also need to be thankful for the new friends we've made because of this tragedy, and to be thankful that were things in place, both physically and spiritually, that spared my husband's life.

Right now the fear, The sleeplessness, the over medicating, the emotional drain, and dealing with people that only recognize humans as numbers, and nott by their names and faces, is temporary, it shall pass.

Still by Daddy


Spiraling is no choice, has it ever been? No, but I need help to control it. I've lost even more weight, which I didn't t need to do, and my resting heart rate is hovering around 140, I'm thinking that's not good. But I assume it can wait. The lump I found, I should probably have checked out, but when?

You want to know a secret? I know Jeff has Hershey Kisses down in the office with him. I think I'll sneak down there.

Tomorrow will be another day and we will conquer it.

I would like to ask, however, that you share my husband's link, if you can donate $5 or $500 it would be awesome, but what would be incredible is if you would be able to find it in your heart to share his link, share his story, share his need. Scroll through the pictures, I tried to keep the graphic images out of the spotlight, but I have shown some of the kids, some of the hurt, some of the faith, some of the human side of my, now, very fragile husband. By the way, the smiles he has in the photos are a bit, well, totally fake. He's trying to hide immense pain from our children and grandchildren.

Better times, our 25th anniversary, the week before the accident

I'm sorry,  I did not proofread this before hitting publish. I'm tired, my eyes are not focusing, and all I want ti sleep, and chocolate. 

Thank you for you kindness and generosity.

 

18 comments:

YeamieWaffles May 9, 2013 at 2:19 AM  

To be honest Diva there's no conceivable way that this isn't going to impact on your mental health and your stressing. It's very worrying but things just have to keep going on. A question in response to your awesome comment on my page, what's happening with the business? Is it still possible to keep it ticking over while Jeff is ill? I know that you do a great job there, there's no reason for you to leave there at all.

The Bipolar Diva May 9, 2013 at 2:35 AM  

Thanks, I know I need to focus on my mental state and I'm trying. As for the business, for the last four years the economy over here has steadily gone down hill. We've lost just about everything and have sold a lot, a ton. The problem is that Jeff, with all his experience, needs to be on the job to problem solve and keep the flow going. We have incredible employees, but they don't have the experience, or knowledge, or insight that Jeff does, so for him to be off sight can cause a problem, plus when he's not there, we don't get paid. So may people assume that just because you own a business that you are rolling in dough, that's just not the case. Like I told you, last month we lost a ton, that can't be made up, we don't get paid. so, since we're so heavily leveraged, we can't get a loan, we can't re-fi our house, we're just kind of hanging on. There's more people don't get, or want to get, either from a weird type of envy, that's totally unwarranted, or probably because I haven's spoken publicly about all that's happened in a short amount of time. It's pretty ugly. but we'll get through,Also I should say since it was brought up, the trips i take, they are ALL paid by air miles. I roll my business credit card to accumulate mileage for breaks for us to get away, we still lose money, but my husband is able to recharge and refresh.

Angelwithatwist May 9, 2013 at 5:01 AM  

Sending love hugs and prayers.. I cannot imagine having to go through all of that. Sweetie you do need to breathe.. hell lock yourself in the bathroom and sink into a hot tub with some music and a tall glass of well anything alcoholic.. envision when he is back to health and how awesome that is going to be. Make your own future in your mind and then watch it come to pass. Accept nothing less and don't entertain the naysayers and morons..

MarkD60 May 9, 2013 at 7:14 AM  

I hope he recovers fully at record fast speed..

Pat May 9, 2013 at 8:14 AM  

You MUST take that precious time for yourself, an hour or two or three, because YOU will break and that will NOT be good for YOU or your FAMILY. DO IT.

Just an aside....they let the dog in the ICU?

Still praying for Jeff's recovery.

UncleGlen May 9, 2013 at 9:07 AM  

Teri please please take time to breath!! I know all the financial stuff is weighing on you like a lead weight, but it will get better one way or another. Just take care of Teri too!

UncleGlen May 9, 2013 at 9:07 AM  

Teri please please take time to breath!! I know all the financial stuff is weighing on you like a lead weight, but it will get better one way or another. Just take care of Teri too!

The Bipolar Diva May 9, 2013 at 11:47 AM  

I'm having trouble replying from my phone, maybe this will work?

Furry Bottoms May 9, 2013 at 12:12 PM  

Is it possible to get a night nurse or somebody like that for the nights when you need to take care of yourself. I don't think you are selfish at all. What good will you be to Jeff and the family if you can't take care of yourself? You need to do it. Those haters... can go hate themselves. I had it drilled in me at a young age that I cannot take care of others unless I am taken care of too. I need to be strong and sustaining in order to be able to help others in a healthy way. You do the same. The spiral doesn't wait for anyone.

Lots of love to you and your family, lots of prayers and faith as well. I think you're awesome.

Rob-bear May 9, 2013 at 2:38 PM  

Hey, Lady Diva: This is probably a stupid question, but I'll ask. Does Jeff have any buds? Any guys he hangs with. Even if they're not the closest in all the world. Any bikers? Anybody from Church? Those are the people who can do a lot of they come in and visit between Jeff's sleeps. What about the pastor? Does he know any people at the church that are or would be good visitors?

Time to call in the reinforcements! Cavalry coming over the hill and all that stuff.

Blessings and Bear hugs!
Bears Noting
Life in the Urban Forest (poetry)

The Bipolar Diva May 9, 2013 at 3:26 PM  

Ok, back at the laptop and can respond.

Pat; I try to, but it's difficult. When I try to take that time at night, I stay up too late and end of messing up everything for the next day. But I'm going to have to have one of the boys, maybe, hang with him in the afternoon maybe once a week or so? No, they wouldn't let us take her to ICU, that was when we finally got him out of that horrible place and she's not left him! she knows he's hurt and I think she's good for his spirits. We basically made his home office into a hospital room, so she's with him all the time :)
thank you for praying!

The Bipolar Diva May 9, 2013 at 3:26 PM  

Glen, I'm trying, but it's hard!

The Bipolar Diva May 9, 2013 at 3:34 PM  

Oh Furry, yeah, the ones that don't get the picture, I have to realize that I know more than they do, they don't have the full picture. So, eh, it's ok. Never would I have ever thought we would find ourselves in this position, but here we are and we're gonna blow through one way or another :)
Thanks for the prayers, and I see my psych on Monday, so that will be a good thing!

The Bipolar Diva May 9, 2013 at 3:37 PM  

Rob, ALL of our pastors seem to have gone on missions at the same time. We have a few friends that come over sometimes, and I'm SO grateful for that, as is Jeff. I've tried to get a hold of some of our biker friends, I'll have to message you about that. Crazy stuff for sure! I think we need to come up with a schedule for everyone, we somewhat have one, but I think it needs to be a little more firm.

Snowbrush May 10, 2013 at 11:19 AM  

Diva, he looks good, good color, good awareness, no nasogastric tube running out his nose, and no chest drainage (that I can see).

The Bipolar Diva May 10, 2013 at 7:47 PM  

Snow, his color is good. I think PT is helping. Thankfully he didn't have to have a chest tube. They talked a lot about it, but were able to get him breathing with some sort of thing. So his lung did pretty well, and didn't collapse further. So he escaped the tube. His sats today were 92, that's better than they had been. Little by little he's doing better, still can't bear any weight on either the shoulder or hip. So no getting around alone, he can't do anything himself. But we try to keep him moving as much as we can, even if we just moving his legs, or scratch his back. His awareness is good, much better than it had been. I think he's getting used to the oxy and his thinking is much clearer. Still shots several times a day, plus assorted other meds, not really sure what they are. Bones will heal, but I think it's the ribs that will take the longest to heal.

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