Thursday, May 9, 2013
|Dr. Jakob, in the ICU|
|Worried in ICU|
|Sara and blood thinning shots|
So much to do that no one really can "see." All they see is that I'm gone a lot. Insurance, fighting, arguing, negotiating, bids, invoicing, contracts, getting things notarized, gathering belongings from freaking YAMHILL COUNTY. That's a LONG FREAKING drive from Happy Valley. I get the feeling people think I'm doing nothing, well if they want to step into my shoes, they are more than welcome to.
Working with insurance adjusters, looking for more insurance with much higher medical coverage, negotiating between the repair shop and the insurance adjuster, speaking with deputies, gathering images and reports. No one else can do those things.
We all have a part in the care taking of our main guy, and it all matters.
But I've been pushing the limits both physically and mentally. I'm recognizing the signs, but seem to be able to do nothing to side track them. I have to focus, and for me, sometimes focus is difficult, sometimes too intense.
But I smell it lurking around the corner, the black dog. I'll keep him caged, even if I have to cut ties with the world for a day to do it.
As of now I feel really selfish. I've spoken with all of my doctors, they have all said the same thing, take time to breathe, get out, forget, if only for a moment. Actually, I need to make it my top priority, or I will be no good to anyone. It's difficult when I have a broken husband, not only physically, but emotionally as well.
|She won't leave him|
He's trapped, alone and can do nothing for himself.
For me I know I need my sleep patterns uninterrupted, major factor in bipolar, I need my meds regulated, I need to breathe deeply. I need to rely on others to help. And some have been very helpful!
Right night now, as of this moment, maybe not tomorrow, I feel afraid, not only for Jeff and our basic financial obligations, and medical bills, but also of my emotional state. I need to hang on, I need to make it through, for him.
I need to remember, this too shall pass. I also need to realize to ignore the haters, the ones that say horrible things, and the ones that have shown their true colors. Lies, gossip and maliciousness, I have no use for.
I also need to be thankful for the new friends we've made because of this tragedy, and to be thankful that were things in place, both physically and spiritually, that spared my husband's life.
Right now the fear, The sleeplessness, the over medicating, the emotional drain, and dealing with people that only recognize humans as numbers, and nott by their names and faces, is temporary, it shall pass.
|Still by Daddy|
Spiraling is no choice, has it ever been? No, but I need help to control it. I've lost even more weight, which I didn't t need to do, and my resting heart rate is hovering around 140, I'm thinking that's not good. But I assume it can wait. The lump I found, I should probably have checked out, but when?
You want to know a secret? I know Jeff has Hershey Kisses down in the office with him. I think I'll sneak down there.
Tomorrow will be another day and we will conquer it.
I would like to ask, however, that you share my husband's link, if you can donate $5 or $500 it would be awesome, but what would be incredible is if you would be able to find it in your heart to share his link, share his story, share his need. Scroll through the pictures, I tried to keep the graphic images out of the spotlight, but I have shown some of the kids, some of the hurt, some of the faith, some of the human side of my, now, very fragile husband. By the way, the smiles he has in the photos are a bit, well, totally fake. He's trying to hide immense pain from our children and grandchildren.
|Better times, our 25th anniversary, the week before the accident|
I'm sorry, I did not proofread this before hitting publish. I'm tired, my eyes are not focusing, and all I want ti sleep, and chocolate.
Thank you for you kindness and generosity.