Friday, June 28, 2013
Its spell over me was immense. I watched as every drop fell to its resting place, and, with each splatter the torment increasingly fled. The relief of my emotional pain was overwhelming. My body, soul and spirit were able to let go, to feel none of the anguish lodged in my mind or heart, only peace, tranquility and complete calm. I could once again breathe.
It was strangely surreal, watching the life giving fluid as if it were not mine, on its trek down my skin to its stopping point on the floor beneath, but the effects were all too real, and entrapping.
It's been years since the actual act has taken place. I've fought long, and I've fought hard to win the fight with the demon that coerced me into doing its will. I thought I had won the battle.
Two nights ago, the monster once again reared its ugly head. The temptation enveloped me, my thoughts were of nothing else, but that time I gave my best effort and fought back. The emotional torment of the tug of war was emotionally exhausting, but I was able to hold off long enough to think through the scenario, the wounds, and the scars that would be left in its wake.
Distraction was the answer I decided upon. I reached for my laptop and was determined to write, instead of destroy, until the night time medication took effect and I could sleep off the pain deep within my spirit, hopeful to begin fresh with the new rising of the sun.
With focus, will power and prayer, I did just that. I was able to re direct, I wrote. I wrote of change, of walls I'd purposely built in my life and of what will become of me when those walls are taken down piece by piece.
What will remain? I'm not certain. What I do know is, that night, two nights ago, I won a battle I had not won a single time since it had first implanted itself deep within my mind years ago.
If I could be victorious in that battle, I have confidence I can be victorious in any battle, the key is determination, and the power of will.