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He Wanted To Go, He Wanted To Stay

Friday, June 7, 2013

We circled the parking lot a few times. I didn't know how to get to the MAX station, the transportation system that would take him "home." We went up one road, then another, into a parking lot, only to turn around and do it all over once more.

He talked the entire time, beginning from when we got into the car, until we said our goodbyes. I wouldn't be able to tell you what he said, I was too busy thinking, trying not to let my will power down, while at the same time battling the feelings of a mom.

He had come to visit for the afternoon, we hadn't seen him since several weeks before the accident. When he arrived at the front door, he knocked. None of the other kids that have moved away have ever knocked when they came to visit, it was unsettling, like he felt he didn't belong. 

He looked tired when he came up the stairs. He was dirty and the smell of homeless life covered him and filled the living room. He apologized without anyone mentioning it to him.

"How long has it been since you've had a shower?"

"About two or three weeks. I don't want to take one and then have to put dirty clothes back on."

I felt the tears stinging my eyes, but was able to hold them back, on the outside, but not in my soul. 

I asked if he wanted some of his Dad's clothes to change into so he could take a shower and wash what he had on, the only clothes he had left, the only clothes to his name. He looked surprised and accepted the offer.

Soon he came upstairs, smelling fresh and clean.  He began to talk, sat in a chair, then quickly fell asleep. I left him there, I'm sure he hadn't slept well in some time. While he slept I went to the grocery store, came home and began to prepare the evening meal. 

At dinner he ate as if he hadn't eaten in awhile. He probably hadn't, but then again, it was Chicken Teriyaki, his favorite. We had to hurry through dinner, he had to be at the shelter in time to line up in hopes of getting a bed for the night.

He took his time gathering what few possessions he had left, a backpack, a water bottle and a note pad, more time than usual.

I went out to speak with his Dad while I waited for him. Soon he came out of the house looking, well, looking homeless. He hugged his father carefully, but held on for what seemed like an eternity.

He was smiling as he got in the car. He had a difficult time speaking and listening to my CD at the same time, so I muted the sound. He started his maze of difficult to follow conversation, and although I attempted to listen, I could only think of my son on the streets of downtown.

When we finally arrived at our destination, I put the car in park to say our goodbyes. He opened the door of the black car, but remained seated, staring into my eyes. I knew then he didn't want to leave us, his family, but knew he had to. He hugged me tightly and wouldn't let go.

When he finally sat up in the seat, he looked at me as if he had something to say, but the words wouldn't come out. We sat there for the longest time. We both knew what he wanted, and we both knew what the answer would be.

He picked up his backpack, his water bottle and his note pad, got out of the car, and stood there looking at me, unsure of what to do next.

Then he said, "Don't worry Mom, I have a plan."

"Ok, Joshua, keep your eyes on the goal. Please check your Facebook, it's the only way I have of reaching you."

"Yes Ma'am. I love you Mom."

"I love you too son. I always have, and I always will. We are here, and always will be."

"I know Mom, thank you. I love you. Goodbye."

He closed the door and slowly walked to the MAX pick up point. He looked back and waved, and his mother cried.



Outcast June 8, 2013 at 2:30 AM  

This made me so sad Diva, I swear that as I'm typing this I feel extremely teary. I know that you were right he had to leave and that this was his fault but I really feel for him and his situation I honestly do. I hope his plan comes up, maybe some day he'll prove to you that he can change, I hope so, I really do.

Rob-bear June 8, 2013 at 3:03 AM  

Oh so very sad, Diva. I hope someone can help him; that he will accept help from someone.

Blessings and Bear hugs!
Bears Noting, Life in the Urban Forest (poetry).

Gerald June 8, 2013 at 9:43 AM  

My heart just aches for you and Joshua, and I know it must be difficult to share these painful stories with the world.

I have often told my boys that living life is often hard, and if you don't make the right choices, life will make choices for you.

I've had to make a similar decision with my my youngest boy when he became a threat to the stability of our family. As you well know Diva It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life! But it was the right thing; and he has become a better person in some ways because of it.

I hope and pray that everything works out for you, Joshua and your loving family.

Sending blessings your way,


Gerald June 8, 2013 at 9:43 AM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Snowbrush June 8, 2013 at 9:48 AM  

" He had a difficult time speaking and listening to my CD at the same time"

Yeah, I would too. Maybe you wanted music because you were nervous.

jen June 8, 2013 at 11:50 AM  

I don't know how you do this.

hugs to you

Susie - Walking Butterfly June 8, 2013 at 12:17 PM  

So very hard. Being a mom is such hard work and sometimes they never even know. But he knows you love him...#1 job accomplished Hun.

The Bipolar Diva June 8, 2013 at 1:16 PM  

No, I wasn't nervous. The music was playing because it had been on when I had been in the car before.

The Bipolar Diva June 8, 2013 at 1:17 PM  

I hope he can find his way, and become more will to accept, and learn from, help.

Unknown June 8, 2013 at 11:51 PM  

Oh Diva,
My heartbreaks just to hear of this. I can't imagine knowing my son didn't have a place to spend the night. This has me speach less.. with tears in my eyes. My prayers are with you and Joshua.. at this time. hugs

Dazee Dreamer June 9, 2013 at 5:54 AM  

I can't even fathom how you must feel inside. The raw emotion I felt reading this touched my soul.

Anna Whiston-Donaldson June 14, 2013 at 7:18 AM  

Oh Diva, this sounds so BEYOND hard. Sending you love.

**** April **** June 15, 2013 at 9:01 PM  

As a mother of a now 14 year old... I can feel this whole situation down to my core... tough love SUCKS

The Queen June 16, 2013 at 3:46 PM  

My heart breaks for you. The love you show to your son is heart warming and heart breaking at the same time. Hang in there kid.

The Bipolar Diva June 17, 2013 at 6:44 PM  

hanks guys, wll be back to comment later on your comments...

Big Mama Cass June 19, 2013 at 12:11 PM  

I am new to your blog and Nolie told me about it.

Why can't you help him? Does he refuse the help?

This rips my heart out? So sad :(

The Bipolar Diva June 19, 2013 at 5:16 PM  

Big mama cass

Thank you so much for coming by! I'm glad you were able to read the post that explained, at least some, of what has happened forcing us to make a heart wrenching decision. Thank you!

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