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The Sanguine Path

Friday, June 28, 2013

For so many years I was held hostage by the alluring sanguine path that, once released, snaked down the curve of my arm, in crooked, crimson ribbons, and splattered time and time again onto the hard stone floor of my bathroom. Sitting on the cold tiled tub deck, I watched, I memorized, and my spirit traveled with the droplets.

Its spell over me was immense. I watched as every drop fell to its resting place, and, with each splatter the torment increasingly fled. The relief of my emotional pain was overwhelming. My body, soul and spirit were able to let go, to feel none of the anguish lodged in my mind or heart, only peace, tranquility and complete calm. I could once again breathe.

It was strangely surreal, watching the life giving fluid as if it were not mine, on its trek down my skin to its stopping point on the floor beneath, but the effects were all too real, and entrapping.

It's been years since the actual act has taken place. I've fought long, and I've fought hard to win the fight with the demon that coerced me into doing its will. I thought I had won the battle.

Two nights ago, the monster once again reared its ugly head. The temptation enveloped me, my thoughts were of nothing else, but that time I gave my best effort and fought back. The emotional torment of the tug of war was emotionally exhausting, but I was able to hold off long enough to think through the scenario, the wounds, and the scars that would be left in its wake.

Distraction was the answer I decided upon. I reached for my laptop and was determined to write, instead of destroy, until the night time medication took effect and I could sleep off the pain deep within my spirit, hopeful to begin fresh with the new rising of the sun.

With focus, will power and prayer, I did just that. I was able to re direct, I wrote. I wrote of change, of walls I'd purposely built in my life and of what will become of me when those walls are taken down piece by piece.

What will remain? I'm not certain. What I do know is, that night, two nights ago, I won a battle I had not won a single time since it had first implanted itself deep within my mind years ago.

If I could be victorious in that battle, I have confidence I can be victorious in any battle, the key is determination, and the power of will.



Outcast June 29, 2013 at 8:39 AM  

Brilliant post Diva. I know somebody who does this all the time and I'm so pleased that you've stopped it, I'd love her to stop as well, amazing stuff.

Red Shoes June 29, 2013 at 9:00 AM  

I went down that path once... got to the same point you did. Some power intervened... not sure 'who' or 'what'...

I won by not going through with it. My children won by my not going through with it.



Rob-bear June 29, 2013 at 11:25 AM  

AWESOME VICTORY over the monster, Diva! Way to go! Once again, Diva proves to be a winner! YES!!!

That's why we say, "Blessings and Bear hugs!"
Bears Noting
Life in the Urban Forest (poetry)

The Bipolar Diva June 30, 2013 at 12:32 PM  

It was indeed a victory, even though it's been years, it continues to haunt me from time to time....but I kicked it that night!

A June 30, 2013 at 3:26 PM  

I wish I could say it had been years for me but I can say that I've stopped the same terrible habit. I have very mixed feelings about my body riddled with scars but I am thankful to be where I am today.

Susie - Walking Butterfly June 30, 2013 at 9:10 PM  

YAY YAY YAY! Three Texas size cheers for your major victory! Or would that be Yeehaw? Tuck this WIN deep down inside and it will be there to pull out when needed in the future. You now know that you can do this and it will no longer have that awful power over you. Congratulations, so proud of you. Awesome!

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