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The Window's Open

Thursday, June 13, 2013

The window is open tonight. I can feel the cool evening breeze gently wafting through the room, and hear the cars passing by. The owls are out, and the coyote pups are howling. My phone is buzzing with tweets from time to time, and the whir of the overhead fan is calming. Intoxicating ribbons of the aroma of lavender are making their way through the room, creating a serene atmosphere.

The dog has finally found her spot for the night, and has settled in under the cream colored matelasse quilt covering the bed. I can feel her warmth next to my leg, and the movement of her chest with every breath she takes.

I hear the deep and even breathing of my husband. I can see his outline in the dark, as the light from the computer screen illuminates parts of his body. His left leg is rhythmically rocking back and forth, moving the bed ever so slightly with each motion. He only does that when he's in pain. For awhile there will be no escape from it, even in slumber.

I know there's not much I can do, only listen and gather what he needs. There's no talking this man into anything. He will do what he wants to do, as he wants to do it.

But at night he pays the price. He saw a physical therapist today. It was a three and a half hour appointment. He called me after, and sounded better than I have heard him in weeks, his voice upbeat and encouraging, his tone was calm and refreshed.

I had errands to complete and, after a few hours, I returned home. He was sitting in a lawn chair, covered by a red beach towel, in the garage. There was a pillow behind his back, and he was rocking. That was not a good sign.

He had a massage appointment that he couldn't make it through, he panicked. Then on his way home, he got stuck in traffic, and panicked once more. He pulled to the side of the road, put on his flashers, put the windows down. He closed his eyes and just was. He breathed deeply and attempted to put his mind at rest before he continued his journey home.

As I sat with him, his day spilled out, and down his chiseled face, in tears of fear and discouragement. All I could do was to sit, rub his hand, and listen as he painfully told his story.

I thought of the appointment I had with my psychiatrist today. He told me I looked and seemed "positive." I told him I was numb. You do what you have to do to get through the war. When the war is over, the emotion can run free.

Jeff's war is now, as he's healing. When he gets back to problem solving and reading blue prints, he will be emotionally free, his focus re directed. That is when I'm afraid I will fall. Now I am busy with all of the different doctors appointments, keeping him taken care of, and all the things that come with the duties of a caretaker.

Yes, I'm afraid my fall will come when he is once more whole. 

You can read more of Jeff and his story here: Help Rebuild Jeff One Nail At A Time.

Until next time, kisses,


Cloudia June 13, 2013 at 11:43 PM  

your opening scene was great writing

ALOHA from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral
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Unknown June 13, 2013 at 11:44 PM  

Oh Diva.. this breaks my heart. I can't imagine how hard it is to watch someone in so much pain. All I can do is pray for you and your family. Hugs my friend. love Jodi.

Karyn June 14, 2013 at 12:44 AM  

Give Jeff a gentle big for me. Remind him pain is weakness leaving the body- and soon he will be strong again. I think of you guys all the time.

Outcast June 14, 2013 at 3:29 AM  

I know how terrible it is to go through this day after day Diva and I just hope and even pray that Jeff is going to get well soon because it's just terrible what he's going through, he doesn't deserve it. Keep fighting Jeff!

Andrea L June 14, 2013 at 4:30 AM  

You have the same reaction as I do. When 'C' was hit by the car, I just went...and did what was needed of me...but once she was out of surgery, home, out of any danger, and starting to feel better, I crashed....slept for a couple days.
My prayers are with you, Jeff, & your family.

Rob-bear June 14, 2013 at 4:31 AM  

Wonderfully written, as always.

I'm so sad that Jeff is still facing so much pain. And uncertainty. It's hard on him — and you, and the kids.

Blessings and Bear hugs!

Red Shoes June 14, 2013 at 6:16 AM  

Bless the both of you... you are going through so much...



MarkD60 June 14, 2013 at 6:24 AM  

I don't know the word. This post painted a picture.
Glad he's out of the hospital.

Anna Whiston-Donaldson June 14, 2013 at 7:16 AM  

Sending you love and light today, in the midst of it all. xoxo

Carrie June 14, 2013 at 8:59 AM  

Diva ~ we and Jeff will be here for you when your fall comes. We will help hold you up, we will hold your hand and listen to your story, we will sit by helplessly and watch the tears as you break. It's all we can do ~ especially those of us who know, all too well, the battle you will face. It's a personal one, only you can fight and in fighting, win. We can only cheer you own as you go into it.

For now, however, we will cheer you and Jeff on in his battle. <3

The Bipolar Diva June 14, 2013 at 3:17 PM  

Today he seems to be well, emotionally. Physically, he's pushing it. He was in here for a bit and then "had something to do." Not sure what that meant, but I'm sure it means he is going to be in quite a bit of pain this evening. I guess we'll wait and see.

The Queen June 16, 2013 at 3:45 PM  

I love this post. It comes from love. Thanks for posting it.

Furry Bottoms June 17, 2013 at 7:54 AM  

(saw previous post before you removed it) it irks me, REALLY irks me that anyone would harrass you while you and your family are in the middle of a crisis. It defies logic. It just has no merit. Cut someone down when they're already down? COWARDS!!!

Anybody would know that ANY hospital bill or charge will be through the roof.

Grumble Grumble Grumble (that's me) that neighbor will just have to face God on Judgement Day when its their turn. They will be asked why did you not offer support, but instead chose to add salt to an open wound?

Those neighbors... need to be committed. I hope the police will do something when you're ready for it because this is so fucking insane. Grumble grumble grumble (thats me again) I just don't get it. I am sorry you and your family have to go through it. Ugh.

The Bipolar Diva June 17, 2013 at 6:42 PM  

thank you everyone, kind of a hard day, will be back to comment on your comments in a day or two. love, Diva

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