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Yes, Another One

Monday, September 30, 2013

I wasn't sure the day would come, but it has.

Many of you know I had a private, invitation only blog at one point in time. I've started another one, I'm not sure how long it will last, or how often I will post.

As open as I like to be, I've realized that there are somethings I want, need, to say that I really don't want public access to.

If you had access to the previous one, the new one will be nothing like it. This one is more of a "processing" site.

One where I can work through some things, say some things that I need to say, and maybe get a little feedback.

It could be deeper, maybe more dark at times, maybe not, I really don't know yet what it will be. I guess it will be somewhere for me to retreat to in times of feeling the need to write, but not really wanting it open to everyone in the world.

If you'd like access, shoot me an email at The Bipolar Diva

If I can validate you, feel safe with you and free from judgement, I'll send you the link, otherwise, stay tuned here.

Ya know, The Diva always likes to make an appearance!

Peace out,

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Boundaries

Thursday, September 26, 2013

I've opened this page so many times in the last several months, years, with the intention of writing, letting things out, letting them go, and just haven't been able to find the right words in which to do so.

I have two incredible doctors, my psychologist, and my psychiatrist. The psychologist listens to my shit, the psych listens to my needs, medicinally speaking. They speak together, so one knows what the other one does, they look after me, and are a great team. They've both told me how well I am, how far I've come, and how amazed they are at my composure and my ability to be objective when it comes to looking at myself and the world around me. Pretty cool, hey? Yeah, I've pretty much rocked it lately.

However, I called my psychologist a few weeks ago for an "emergency, get me in NOW," session, and he was able to. I really don't know how they do what they do. There's no way I could sit eight hours a day listening to people whine, cry and carry on. I don't do that. I'm rational, I listen, I take in, and I learn. I want to work on myself and be the best I can be, but I don't take bullshit either.

I warned him, as I walked down the hallway to his office that day, that this session would be different. Usually I'm calm, self contained, and collected. I think through things, we exchange ideas and come up with strategies for whatever may be the topic of the day.

I'm doing well, really well, and have been for some time, years in fact, however that day he was going to see a side of me he had never before witnessed. I warned him, I gave him the chance to run, but he knew it was a time I really needed to process some things.

I didn't even give him the chance to speak, as I usually do, right off the bat I laid it out. Every bit of what had been building came from my mouth, my heart and soul and wafted through the air. He sat back and allowed me to totally go off, not at him, but other situations. He listened, he watched my body language, and he asked me to keep going each time I apologized for how emphatic, and frustrated, I was.

I got it out, it felt good, although I'm sure my blood pressure was off the chart. He sat back and settled into the over-stuffed leather couch, and thought about what I was, at that time, pretty much yelling about.

After I was finished, he began to speak, and we devised a plan for my self preservation. He gave me awesome ways to cope with the situation at hand. I sat back, began to breathe again, did not take a benzo, and listened intently to his advice, of course, after apologizing for the 90th time for my venting, pacing, and being a tad bit on the loud side. 

Instantly, that day, I began to implement what we had discussed. It was difficult at times, but I stuck to the plan. I hadn't had a chance to really act on his advice until tonight.

Today has been incredible, as they have been for awhile now, and one phone call, a few minutes ago, got heated quickly, but it gave me the opportunity to really lay it down and enforce the rules the doctor and I had agreed upon.

It took me a bit to get out of the same pattern, that had been placed years in advance, and put the doctor's words into action, and I did exactly what we had discussed. At first I did say what I needed, wanted, to say before remembering what the doctor and I had spoken of.

I removed myself from the conversation, it wasn't easy, but I did it. I did it. That's the important part, I did it! I'm proud of myself, am I ok right now? No, I'm not. Words thrown as poisonous darts take a while to recover from, I'll recover, much more quickly than in the past, I'm stronger than I was then, I didn't allow buttons, that had knowingly been pushed in the past, to affect me tonight. 

What I need to keep in mind is there are boundaries I will no longer allow to be crossed. If I remember, and stick to, that, Diva is gonna be just fine.


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Constraints

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Somewhere between consciousness and the darkest shadows of sleep lies a parallel universe where dreams and reality are melded into one. It is a place where we are not bound by earthly constraints and our innermost fears and desires are lived out in the most amazing detail. We, as well as those that came before us and those who come after us, are free to enter and leave as we wish.

It is to that altered existence I find myself increasingly drawn. In that ethereal plane most responsibilities and difficulties of life are released and I am free to discover inner most truths and to follow the whims of my heart. These are times I have grown to treasure and my visits to this reality occur with greater frequency.

Judgment is not passed and assorted relationships can be explored without fear of discovery or retribution. It is during these precious few hours that those connections that have been severed can once again be enjoyed. And those that have yet to form are brought to fruition.

After hours of indulgence I find myself reluctantly being pulled back to the bonds of this terrestrial plane. I am left with only vivid memories and cannot help but wonder about the authenticity of these times and if I alone participated.

Don't forget to check out and join my newest blog, Two Wheels and the Curves. Join it, like it, help an incredible cause, Motorcycle Travel America. Join for free, help get our numbers up so we can gain sponsors to help those injured and their families.

Peace out, 

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Come Ride With Me!

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Hey all, here it is...the newest blog! Two Wheels and the Curves.

Bikers, bikes, trips, cool stuff. Am I gonna steer you wrong? Uh, no.

One of the coolest things is you can click on the Foundation Page to see what it's all about, and there's even a tab to join for free.

Great cause, great people, great fun.

Check it out, follow it, share it, because....well, ya know, you love me and all.

Come on, join me for the ride. You can follow the blog by email, google+ or google friends. Sign up, what to you have to lose? That's what I thought, not a thing.

Hug, kisses and rolling the throttle!

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Realizations

Friday, September 20, 2013

Today was an amazing day, in almost every way.

But I suddenly realized something this afternoon. It slapped me in the face, so to speak, and I need to decide if it's something I'm willing to accept. Maybe that comes with age, or years of therapy. Doesn't really matter, maybe it just happens.

I'm not speaking of the "in the moment, this minute" picture, I'm speaking of seeing things in more of a "big picture" way, months, years down the road type of scenario.

For me, today, I realized that's what I'm facing. Can I live with this forever, or can I not? No decision needs to be made now, nor do I want one made now. I just have to face what's most probable and decide if it's something that will kill me in the end, or be worth the patience needed, which I know it will be without a doubt.

Logic, to me, is a relativity new concept. Seeing down the road is new to me, maybe because I'm doing better than ever before. I'm beginning to think through things based on logic and not emotion.

Yes, I believe very much in following your dreams, following your heart........but what if your logic is correct and your maybe someday not so much?

Do I protect myself now, or do I chance it?

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Changes, Curves, And Excitement!

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Ok everyone, let's get down to business! I alluded to some changes coming my way and I can finally say they are coming together!

When our family was, is, in crisis, I found there are lots of groups out there that want to help, but so many just don't have the ability to reach out and make a real difference. I kept thinking there needed to be a cohesive "hub," where people could turn to for information, help, guidance and the like. 

Then I met a wonderful woman, Judy LaParne. She and I hit it off, she had founded exactly what I had been visualizing. After meeting she asked me if I would like to accept a position in an organization she founded to help the biker community. She asked me, get this, if I would consider being the "Social Media Coordinator." Girl knows me and my love of talking and socializing!

So it's official! I am now the Social Media Coordinator for Motorcycle Travel America Foundation!
I'm really excited about the opportunity and ready to get down to business!

I'm getting a new blog set up. When it's ready to roll, I'll post the link and you guys hop over and show your support, and help me look a little bit like I know what I'm doing in this new venture.

We all know motorcyclists, and this foundation is more than just a place for help for injured bikers and their families. It's interactive and way cool!

You can plan and share trips, communicate with friends, buy or sell gear, find biker friendly merchants, organize and promote events and manage your club. Motorcycle Travel America was created as a tool for ALL riders.

You can find events, friends, rides, as well as support our fellow brothers and sisters in times of tragedy.

This is what I REALLY want you to do: like the Facebook page, so Judy knows I'm doing my job, join the official website, it's free, and the more supporters we have, the more likely we are to gain sponsors to fund the help so many people need, but isn't there, and follow us on Twitter @MTAFoundation. Tell them Diva sent you, no, I get no kickback, no money, I just want to give to the community, to help others in need.

Even if you aren't a biker, join, like I said it's free to join and sponsors like to see membership. It's an incredible way to reach out to those that are in real need.

Every rider counts. Every rider has a family. Every rider is someone's child. Show your support, get on board and let's help get this off the ground and make a difference!

You guys can do it, I know you can help make a difference. Come on friends, show your support and let's rock this thing!




 

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The Passionate Side of Life

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Thought I should check in, at least. Things have been good, really, really good in so many aspects. There will always be challenges, that's a given. With Jeff, things are not good, but that is in the hands of others now.

On the flip side I have amazing people in my life. There have been disappointments, true colors have come forth, in a few I thought were close, but with that knowledge came true freedom, and less condemnation. It came with a freedom never before experienced. It is to be nurtured, cared for and intertwined.

I have had an awakening of sorts, and I like it. I'm not being irresponsible, or making bad decisions. Over the years I have gotten to know the person, so long locked away, and I like that person, I like the crazy, wild child my father raised. I've made some rather amazing decisions, or rather, they found me, and who am I to turn that away? Life changing moments come at very unexpected times, and when they happen, there is no stopping them, and I don't want to stop them.

It's taken me many years to realize things that should have been realized before. My state of mind is the most important thing, and now it's in a good place with the help of  couple of amazing people. I'm thinking through things carefully, and being very cautious. I believe in the end, all will be as it should.

I want my life to be full of true love, of passion, not really sexual passion, but passion that has for so long been locked away. The passion of looking into someone's eyes and knowing instantly the connection is there.

The light shines bright, it is scary and a path unknown to me before, but it's a path I want to walk, for myself. Selfish? No, I've given my entire life to the encouraging, teaching, and nurturing of others.

Now, it's my time. My time to be set free, to have, and to have freely, not material objects, but feelings  that are emotionally bonded to me, and I to them, in ways unknown before.

I am on a different path, and I like it.


 

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Decisons, Two More And Happiness!

Friday, September 6, 2013



Ok, so here's a bit of news. I'm going to begin two new blogs! One is kind of a surprise, until it's ready, but it's a real passion of mine and I want you all there! I need your support!

Great cause, great foundation and get this......me, well, I'm the volunteer "Social Media Coordinator!" You guys have to be in, I'll tell you more about when the official site is up. I'm excited. Although the focus in on one community, there are none left out.

Also, I've decided to put up another private site, nothing weird, nothing but some of the struggles, the triumphs, the wonderful things I don't feel I can share with everyone for various reasons. Some of the thoughts I think are too dark for this site, and I need a place to vent, I need people to listen, guide me gently, to write out my somewhat jumbled thought process. I do put pieces on here that are more in depth, but sometimes my struggles are much more. I'd rather have this site on the more upbeat side of being crazy. That site will be password protected and be accessed by invitation only. This one will stay!

I get a lot of flack from a lot of people that don't understand the reality of this life, they just don't get it. Hell I didn't get it until I studied it. I feel I do a pretty good job on this site allowing a transparent glimpse into my world, as I see it, and I will continue to do so.

I've neglected it a bit for several months, but with my husband so injured and attempting to sort out things,  have left me with little or no time. Hopefully that will change very, very soon.

Yes, if you're on my FB Fan page you know I recently had a bout of hypo mania, I guess, Let's see, pierced my nose, had two tattoos touched up, but all that's ok,  I'm making good decisions, very good decisions. Every one, but one person, seems to realize how much better it is for me than other past, and physically harmful, things.

At least I know for certain what her feelings for me are, and they most certainly are not in my best interest. It's good to know that, I don't need the hypocrisy, the seeming "caring," and I don't need to idolize someone that believes I should have scars on my arms instead of a tattoo, or a piercing in my nose.

What's funny is that I was warned about it almost my entire life, but  didn't believe it, now I've seen it first hand. That's hard to accept in many ways, but you know what? I've also realized it's not my loss. It's hers, I'm worth more than that.

Good decision!

Going to attempt to come up with domain names this weekend for the new blog sites! Will be working diligently on those to get them up and running!

Love and kisses,



 

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