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Sometimes The Best Start With No Beginning

Friday, November 29, 2013

Well, maybe there is a beginning, one of feeling the need to write. I never know where those times will lead me, but have found that many times they are my best source of therapy.

My feelings this week have run the full spectrum. I've experienced colors unable to be seen by others, those that can only felt by the soul.

I've searched words, memories, and thoughts. I've looked forward, behind, and carried the weight of the presence.

Few answers have come, only more questions, more thoughts, and even more colors, There have been smiles, laughter, and tears, realizations, pain, and joy.

I've found real friendships, and seen the true, bitter, characters of others. The truest of friends, and family, are the ones that know the entirety of situations and have no gaps to fill in or imagine. The bitterness, and lack of character, has come from those with very little knowledge of the truth, other than the one they've formulated, those with no first hand knowledge, only speculation and the darkness of their own souls.

So, I guess, in retrospect, I have no need in my life for those that choose to spin tales with their tongues wagging, and their "truths" with eyes wide shut.

Peace Out,


Life Lesson From A Wise Man

Saturday, November 23, 2013

First of all, the picture I chose does not resemble the man of which I write, but there is enough of a resemblance that he will know. The cap, the glasses and the whiskers.

He is a very wise man and he taught me an incredible life lesson recently.

The lesson was to feel, and not to harm, to choose my words more carefully, after much consideration, and after emotion has come under control, even when I am hurting and confused, I need to stop and think.

He taught me what I have attempted to teach my children, that once spoken, or written, words are not easily forgotten. They leave a mark on people's souls, scars that heal slowly, and that trust must be regained.

He taught me to slow down and think rationally. He taught me much more than that, but the most important thing he taught me was that when you speak out of fear and emotion, you are likely to say the wrong thing, or express your feelings in a way that doesn't come across appropriately. 

He taught me to think, evaluate, and take a breath. He taught me that there are lives that can not be lost.  He taught me that if I don't choose my words wisely, people will be extremely hurt and very afraid.

I hope he reads this. If he does, I hope that he will "like" it on my Facebook page, then I will know that he will know that he made a life long impression on me, and made an incredible difference in my life, and in those around me, and in the way I react, the way I live. He will know that he changed my life for the better, and forever.

He made an impression on me that will never be forgotten.

Thank you, you are wise, you are amazing, and you are special. 


What a Week

Saturday, November 9, 2013

It's been such an emotion filled week, and you know me, I kind of put emotion in the back of my head most of the time when it's overwhelming. Today has brought with it a full spectrum of emotion, and I really don't like that. I've felt everything from elation, to complete fear, and totally feeling alone.

I've been in panic mode for most of the week. I think part of that is because in all the shuffling things about, I can't find my MOST important med, levothyroxine, and it's kind of freaking me out a bit, well, a lot. But on a wonderful side note, I haven't had to take one benzo the entire time....pretty freaking cool.

With all that's happening I need to calm down enough to find the medication, but that's been difficult. Life changes, sleep pattern changes, decisions, and all that come with stepping outside of the box have made it challenging to sit and go through things methodically.  I need to go through all my things tonight and find it.

I feel good though, no spirals, no symptoms of dark clouds looming, I'm just a bit on, well a lot on the scared side. I know my insecurities play into that more than I realize. I "think" I can control them, and I attempt to do so, but reality is that I have to deal with them on a daily basis, and with that comes fear.

My goal is not to allow them to capture me in their talons and to take control of them as I have attempted to do with bipolar, well, most of the time.

It's also funny to me, well sad really, who and what comes out of the woodwork when there are life changes, from people that have absolutely no knowledge of what happened behind the facade of the life I had lived. I even had one person tell me she was "ashamed of me." WTH? I didn't even read her entire text, it was too vile and hate filled, I don't need that now. I need support, my children need support, Jeff needs support. It's a scary time of change for us all, and I cannot fathom why someone would want to intentionally hurt another person in a time like this. Maybe it's because I just don't think that way.

She has not a clue as to the everyday happenings of the life I left. Yes, it bothers me because I love her, but I need to realize that's it's her burden to carry, not mine, and it's her character speaking, not mine. I won't allow people that say they "love" me to speak to me that way, even if they are speaking out of ignorance as to what has gone on.

So, I ask you all on this journey to bear with me. I may seem a little hypo-manic at times, while other times alone in the world, as I do this minute. Today I have experienced both of those emotions fully, and I am very much aware that others do as well.

But the sun will continue to shine, the moon to rise, and in time old scars shall be healed.  A new chapter begins, and life will continue.


No Longer A Rumor

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

First I apologize it's been such a long time since I've been on here. It's been chaotic, more than usual, hectic, and stressful. I haven't had the time, nor energy, to think, let alone write.

After months, years, of contemplating, discussing, and stressful situations, my husband and I have made the decision to part ways after 26 years of being together. 

For those that know us well, I realize this is no surprise. The reason I'm writing about this publicly is that last night Jeff asked me to inform everyone we know, and to ask our friends and family, not to inform him of any of my personal life, where I live, who I hang with, who I ride with, or who I know.

He doesn't want to know my friends, or anything, in anyway, about the life I choose to lead. Out of respect for him, I ask you to please honor his request.

We are keeping the business and will continue to work together. Things are amicable and we intend it to remain that way. In no way will we ask anyone to choose sides, that's not right, it's not something we would ever consider.

Jeff will stay with the kids and the house, I am the one that will be leaving. I will be leaving Friday morning. I'll return to gather things I can't take with me after I find a place to land.

We won't be answering questions from anyone, friends or family, about our decision, and what led to it, so please don't put Jeff, me, or my children in the difficult position of peppering us with questions. We will not give answers.

Thanks so much for your understanding and support, and thank you for respecting our privacy during this time.

In time, I know I will be writing of new adventures and new discoveries of a new life, but only when the time is right for all concerned. 

Thank you in advance for your support and for honoring Jeff's request.

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