Saturday, November 9, 2013
I've been in panic mode for most of the week. I think part of that is because in all the shuffling things about, I can't find my MOST important med, levothyroxine, and it's kind of freaking me out a bit, well, a lot. But on a wonderful side note, I haven't had to take one benzo the entire time....pretty freaking cool.
With all that's happening I need to calm down enough to find the medication, but that's been difficult. Life changes, sleep pattern changes, decisions, and all that come with stepping outside of the box have made it challenging to sit and go through things methodically. I need to go through all my things tonight and find it.
I feel good though, no spirals, no symptoms of dark clouds looming, I'm just a bit on, well a lot on the scared side. I know my insecurities play into that more than I realize. I "think" I can control them, and I attempt to do so, but reality is that I have to deal with them on a daily basis, and with that comes fear.
My goal is not to allow them to capture me in their talons and to take control of them as I have attempted to do with bipolar, well, most of the time.
It's also funny to me, well sad really, who and what comes out of the woodwork when there are life changes, from people that have absolutely no knowledge of what happened behind the facade of the life I had lived. I even had one person tell me she was "ashamed of me." WTH? I didn't even read her entire text, it was too vile and hate filled, I don't need that now. I need support, my children need support, Jeff needs support. It's a scary time of change for us all, and I cannot fathom why someone would want to intentionally hurt another person in a time like this. Maybe it's because I just don't think that way.
She has not a clue as to the everyday happenings of the life I left. Yes, it bothers me because I love her, but I need to realize that's it's her burden to carry, not mine, and it's her character speaking, not mine. I won't allow people that say they "love" me to speak to me that way, even if they are speaking out of ignorance as to what has gone on.
So, I ask you all on this journey to bear with me. I may seem a little hypo-manic at times, while other times alone in the world, as I do this minute. Today I have experienced both of those emotions fully, and I am very much aware that others do as well.
But the sun will continue to shine, the moon to rise, and in time old scars shall be healed. A new chapter begins, and life will continue.