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What a Week

Saturday, November 9, 2013

It's been such an emotion filled week, and you know me, I kind of put emotion in the back of my head most of the time when it's overwhelming. Today has brought with it a full spectrum of emotion, and I really don't like that. I've felt everything from elation, to complete fear, and totally feeling alone.

I've been in panic mode for most of the week. I think part of that is because in all the shuffling things about, I can't find my MOST important med, levothyroxine, and it's kind of freaking me out a bit, well, a lot. But on a wonderful side note, I haven't had to take one benzo the entire time....pretty freaking cool.

With all that's happening I need to calm down enough to find the medication, but that's been difficult. Life changes, sleep pattern changes, decisions, and all that come with stepping outside of the box have made it challenging to sit and go through things methodically.  I need to go through all my things tonight and find it.

I feel good though, no spirals, no symptoms of dark clouds looming, I'm just a bit on, well a lot on the scared side. I know my insecurities play into that more than I realize. I "think" I can control them, and I attempt to do so, but reality is that I have to deal with them on a daily basis, and with that comes fear.

My goal is not to allow them to capture me in their talons and to take control of them as I have attempted to do with bipolar, well, most of the time.

It's also funny to me, well sad really, who and what comes out of the woodwork when there are life changes, from people that have absolutely no knowledge of what happened behind the facade of the life I had lived. I even had one person tell me she was "ashamed of me." WTH? I didn't even read her entire text, it was too vile and hate filled, I don't need that now. I need support, my children need support, Jeff needs support. It's a scary time of change for us all, and I cannot fathom why someone would want to intentionally hurt another person in a time like this. Maybe it's because I just don't think that way.

She has not a clue as to the everyday happenings of the life I left. Yes, it bothers me because I love her, but I need to realize that's it's her burden to carry, not mine, and it's her character speaking, not mine. I won't allow people that say they "love" me to speak to me that way, even if they are speaking out of ignorance as to what has gone on.

So, I ask you all on this journey to bear with me. I may seem a little hypo-manic at times, while other times alone in the world, as I do this minute. Today I have experienced both of those emotions fully, and I am very much aware that others do as well.

But the sun will continue to shine, the moon to rise, and in time old scars shall be healed.  A new chapter begins, and life will continue.

17 comments:

Angelwithatwist November 9, 2013 at 9:05 PM  

You know what. I think it is awesome that you and he both agree to be civil. It isn't that you don't care for and love each other, it is that you have made a mutual decision that apart is better than together. Want me to go smack someone for ya cause I will. You know you are always welcome here my darling...

Joanne W November 9, 2013 at 9:15 PM  

hope you find your thyroid meds soon, gah, I'm just nuts without mine. You sound so good, I'm glad to hear it but worry that you may be hiding your real feelings. Can't imagine anyone would be so cruel to judge you or your decisions. Take care and know there are some of us who are supportive in the only way they know how...commenting on here!

The Bipolar Diva November 9, 2013 at 9:28 PM  

Angel, Kentucky, I'm not so sure about that..........it's a looooog way! But thank you for your support!

The Bipolar Diva November 9, 2013 at 9:31 PM  

Joanne, thank you so much! Yes, I have few hidden feelings, not about the divorce, but about dome other forces in my life. It's scary starting over. I couldn't believe it either, but she tends to jump to conclusions, an without checking facts, she attacks, and comes after Me? Hello? there are all types of factors that very few people know.

jen November 9, 2013 at 9:36 PM  

I can't fathom this happening in my life right now. Since we lead lives kind of along the same timeline, I've been asking myself how I would deal with this, and the answer has been, "Wow. Hope I never have to." Wish there was something I could say or do that would show you I'm thinking of you and wondering how you're keeping it all together with so much upheaval, but just know that I am.

Put on some pretty underwear (I KNOW you can find some of that!) and take it one step at a time.

Thinking of you, my friend.

Steve Handa November 9, 2013 at 9:50 PM  

You're an amazing person diva, I dint think I could be that honest.

Jeanine November 9, 2013 at 11:13 PM  

Teri you know that you will have judgemental people coming after you, but you, jeff, and your family know what the reasons are behind everything. I hope you find your meds, they are important. Take care sweetie, and know I have you all in my thoughts and prayers.

YeamieWaffles November 10, 2013 at 5:22 AM  

I don't know all of the details, or many at all really but no matter who is to blame nobody should be texting anybody messages of hatred at this time. I really hope that you continue to keep fighting Diva, the lack of benzos is a good start, I'm proud of you.

Red Shoes November 11, 2013 at 5:09 AM  

I'm nit-picking your post... but here is some great advice you gave yourself...

"With all that's happening I need to calm down..."

You are going to be fine... it's all the crap that tears us apart...

*huggles*

~shoes~

Nicole Thomas November 11, 2013 at 7:38 AM  

Hang in there, and you're right-- most people don't know what really goes on behind the facade and often they come out as fools without realizing it. But as you said, you love her but you had to separate yourself from that while you deal with what is really happening. THAT, in itself is amazing. I know it doesn't sound amazing, but it is. It is amazing in terms of self-care, as opposed to self-harm, you see what I mean? So I am proud of you. I know you all are going through a hard time. Hang in there. No, I don't know any more than what you've put out there but it is enough for me because it is all you want to say. You're still you and you're still hanging in there. Love and hugs to you.

Rob-bear November 19, 2013 at 5:11 PM  

Bear with you? I'm exceptionally good at doing that. Would be happy to sit and hold your paw . . . ah, um, I mean your hand — hold your hand — at any time. If hat would help.

Blessings and Bear hugs!

myinnerchick.com November 30, 2013 at 6:15 PM  

"The sun will Rise"

Hugs from Minnesota. ooXx

Alyssa Caratini December 16, 2013 at 10:28 PM  

Just read this and I must say, this sounds INSANELY familiar to what I'm going through right now. It sucks I know, but we'll get through it. Girl you inspire me, you really do. I even started my own blog !! It's great way to vent and let loose a bit. I hope you continue to be the amazing woman we all know you are :)

Alyssa Caratini December 16, 2013 at 10:30 PM  

It's funny. I read this, and I'm sitting here bewildered because I feel like were going through almost the same thing lol . We'll get through it though. We are fighters, that's what we do. You're an inspiration ( I even started my own blog because of you !). Keep doing your thing girl :)

The Bipolar Diva December 17, 2013 at 12:24 AM  

Thank you all for your wonderful words of encouragement! You all mean so much and your advice is incredible for me.

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