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And Then There Was Light

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

I haven't written much lately, and a lot of what I have written about, with dark undertones, has been trying to come to terms with something I've been attempting to come to terms with for quite some time now.

I realized it years ago, but it wasn't until an incident several weeks ago, my eyes were opened, and all my therapist and doctor had been saying was true.

I think I may have written, at some point, that both doctors had been discussing my condition for some time, and had come to the same conclusion, that I wasn't suffering from Bipolar Disorder, but rather severe PTSD.

I didn't, however, say what they thought caused the trauma.

Yes, you all know of the tangible traumas that have happened, the deaths, the sicknesses, etc. But until now, and after speaking with Deputies, the Sheriff and a Victims Advocate specialist, they all said the same thing as my doctors have been telling me, although I was too afraid to admit it, even to  myself. Emotional, and mental abuse and control.

I'm not going to go into much detail here, because it's not respectful, or correct, for me to do so.
I will post some things I've been given, and read since speaking with these people regarding what they spoke to me about the way they see it.

  1. Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:
    • Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
    • Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
    • When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
    • Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
    • Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
  2. Domination, control, and shame:
    • Do you feel that the person treats you like a child?
    • Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
    • Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
    • Do they control your spending?
    • Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them?
    • Do they make you feel as though they are always right?
    • Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
    • Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
    • Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?
  3. Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:
    • Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
    • Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
    • Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
    • Do they have trouble apologizing?
    • Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
    • Do they call you names or label you?
    • Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
    • Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?
  4. Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:
    • Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
    • Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
    • Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
    • Do they not notice or care how you feel?
    • Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
  5. Codependence and enmeshment:
    • Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
    • Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
    • Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
    • Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?

    http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/

    In my situation, all but a couple of these are true, and have happened numerous times over the decades. 

    And as for the victim of emotional abuse, this appears to be common, and really hit me between the eyes:

    Although there is no specific ‘type’ of person who is more likely to be abused, there are abuse victim characteristics which people in an abusive relationship tend to have in common or display. These can include
  6. Low self esteem
  7. Emotional and economic dependency
  8. Continued faith and hope abuser will "grow up"
  9. Depression
  10. Stress disorders and/or psychosomatic complaints
  11. Accepts blame and guilt for violence
  12. Socially isolated, eg avoids social interaction, never seems to be alone
  13. Believes social myths about battering
  14. Believes in stereotypical sex roles
  15. Has poor self image
  16. Contemplates or attempts suicide, or self-harms
  17. Participation in pecking-order battering
  18. Appears nervous or anxious
  19. May defend any criticism of abuser
  20. May have repeatedly left, or considered leaving the relationship
As I got further into therapy, and realized what was being said applied to my situation, I knew why I always wanted to leave, I thought it was inner demons I was fighting, my inner demons, when, in reality, it was an escape from what my doctors had been telling me.

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/abuse_victim_characteristics.html

Please, know the signs. Don't live like I have, did. Analyze, look, and listen. I was told so many times I was in denial, and many more times in the last few weeks. I've come to see that more clearly now.

I'd say that's a step in the right direction.

Seeing things in a new light, much love,


14 comments:

Highly Dangerass Territory August 7, 2014 at 10:22 AM  

Teri, Your light shines in your heart. Never let the light blow out on yourself. Many of us have been in your shoes and care very much. <3 You are a strong woman. You are smart, caring, generous, ambishious, beautiful, and LOVABLE! You got this girlfriend! I got your back any time you need me. Just hollar! I'll be there... Your Sista, Jackie

Robert Wiro August 7, 2014 at 10:23 AM  

Teri, we have discussed this before and I'm Very glad the "light" has come on in you! Now put this all behind you and move on with your life.
Good luck with your life with hopes you can find what you want.
With All my Love,
Bob

The Bipolar Diva August 7, 2014 at 10:39 AM  

Bob, I think, as former law enforcement, you noticed it before i did. I think you mentioned it to me several years ago, I just couldn't, didn't want to see it.

The Bipolar Diva August 7, 2014 at 10:40 AM  

Jackie, thank you. It's been a tightrope for years, now that I can see what was really happening, everything makes sense.

UncleGlen August 7, 2014 at 10:48 AM  

WOW Teri... I had no idea that kind of treatment was going on! I'm glad you are out of that situation though! Good luck in the future and maybe someday we can meet and actually ride together! UG

Rob-bear August 7, 2014 at 10:51 AM  

So glad you have made this discovery, Teri. Not glad that you have gone through the experiences, though!

So, some new opportunities to rebuild the Diva. Please have fun in the process!

Blessings and Bear hugs!

Just Miss C August 7, 2014 at 4:11 PM  

I was in a similar situation with my ex. It can be hard to listen to people around us because they can sometimes see what we can't or don't want to admit to ourselves. I am happy that for your safety and sanity you are no longer in that relationship.

The Bipolar Diva August 7, 2014 at 4:51 PM  

it's hard to see, or want to believe for sure Crystal. When they were speaking to me and I was really listening this time, I more clearly what people had been telling me all through the years

Claudia Schlottman August 7, 2014 at 7:55 PM  

Great information, Teri, and so thoughtfully presented. I am so glad you have found at least some of the answers you have been seeking. I applaud your honesty in putting forth this part of you that no one would have suspected. XO

The Bipolar Diva August 7, 2014 at 10:04 PM  

Claudia-
I always "knew," but didn't realize it, if that makes sense. My doctors saw it, the police saw it, I didn't want to see it.

Karyn August 12, 2014 at 3:43 PM  

My very dear sweet friend- reread what you wrote- then apply it to all my years with the asshole- sitting here in tears realizing what could have been- some of the tears are out of anger for not realizing, for I am a bright lady- and the others are happy, that you and I survived bad situations-
I am so happy for where you and I are today- and NO ONE will EVER do that to us again........

The Bipolar Diva August 12, 2014 at 5:32 PM  

Thank you Karyn. I love you. Even though people told me what was happening, I guess I just looked the other way. I'm sorry, this reply isn't cheery and, "me," I'm just emotionally exhausted. I know my aunts are stalking my shit, although they claim whatever, I don't want them knowing shit, but at this point, I don't care. I'm just so done with it all. Happy? Right now, it's difficult.

Karyn August 13, 2014 at 7:57 AM  

I MEANT HAPPY IN THAT HE DIDIN'T KILL ME- AND I AM STILL HERE TO ROAM THE EARTH- THERE WERE MAY DAYS I THOUGHT IT MIGHT END UGLY.......

The Bipolar Diva August 13, 2014 at 8:37 PM  

I know Karyn, I know exactly how you felt, I'm with you. I love you.

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