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Teri Anderson. Powered by Blogger.

Beneath The Cat

Monday, November 3, 2014

Beneath a stuffed cat, in a box tucked out of sight, I caught a glimpse of neatly folded, thin, yellowed paper. I held my breath as memories of years before came rushing forth.

Few would recognize what the crisply wrapped, filmy paper enveloped; however, I instantly knew its contents.

Its prisoner once held the power to transmit my emotional pain into an ethereal peace that cannot be described by written word, only felt by the souls, and the spirits, of those that share the knowledge of its transcending powers.

In my mind I was able to clearly visualize the sharpened edges, to feel the cold steal against my skin, and to remember my resolve to overcome the torment the blade represented. 

There was a time when I allowed free flowing, ruby colored, ribbons to run haphazardly down my arm. I vividly remembered how observing their individual paths flooded my mind with tranquility, and allowed my focus to shift, granting the emotional torment to dull for a time, enabling me to re-charge for the next inevitable storm.

Carefully, slowly, I picked up the stuffed feline. I saw dozens more of the razor containing envelopes. I had stored them to aid in the release from the mental pain I knew would soon come, in actuality, it never left.

I removed the contents of the box, all but the objects of my memories. I stood, cardboard box in hand, and determinedly walked to the garbage can.

I watched as the symbols, of what had once held me captive, slowly tumbled into the container. As each one fell into the abyss, I felt pieces of my once tattered soul return. The instant they had all been discarded,  I knew I would once again become whole.


MarkD60 November 4, 2014 at 5:00 AM  

From the time I was about 8 years old I planned on killing myself. Then when I turned 30, I stopped drinking.

The Bipolar Diva November 4, 2014 at 9:45 AM  

I didn't do it to kill myself, only to distract. I don't drink, my pain came from outside sources.

Andrea L November 4, 2014 at 10:52 AM  

Such a huge step! Congratulations!
I'm 47 yrs old, (diagnosed bipolar over 20 yrs ago), and for the first time in my life my mind is often consumed with this thought, not to kill myself, but to escape from everything that is drowning me. I hate it! And it scares me...

Rob-bear November 4, 2014 at 11:27 AM  

This is exciting news to hear, as well as creative and therapeutic.

On the other hand, every one of us is beneath the cat. NO cat would ever deign to consider a human as an equal.

Blessings and Bear hugs!

The Bipolar Diva November 4, 2014 at 12:01 PM  

I'd forgotten about them since that pressure was relieved awhile back. But for them not to even trigger a moment, was huge.

cj Schlottman November 4, 2014 at 8:15 PM  

Congratulations, Teri! You are so right, this is huge. Happy for you to make this giant step forward. I've missed you but am back and will try to catch up on what I've missed over the last months.

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