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Carefully Crafted

Thursday, November 20, 2014

For months now I have been advised to censor, and carefully craft, my writings.

Tonight, however, thoughts spilling from my mind shall be written and, with luck, cathartic.

Fifty two years of audio is trampling through my throbbing temples, and tears flow in the attempt to reform negative, and controlling, rhetoric into positive affirmations.

I feel divided, my inner most core tells me one thing, my mind and heart another.

How can I explain to others in a way they can understand, when I, myself, didn't know what was happening for what seemed a lifetime, was a lifetime?

Over the last few years of soul searching I thought I knew what I was running from, running to.

People through those years witnessed, and were very aware, of the situation I was facing, and why I ran. I thought I knew and repeatedly refused to listen to their words of knowledge.

They all tried to coax me to see the reality of the place, so dark, in which I had lived. I rebutted their wisdom, and ran with what I thought to be the truth.

Finally, this summer, the words they had spoken, time after time, were illuminated, and my eyes, my heart, were opened, and to myself I admitted the unthinkable.

I was surprised each, and every, time person after person approached me with the same words that others before had desperately tried to get me to embrace.

It was then I realized, I wasn't running from me, but from something entirely different. It was then my spirit lightened, and felt it could fly free. Everything made sense.

It was then I felt as though I could breathe, and be myself.

Unfortunately decades of indoctrination are difficult to throw away, even though I now admit what others had seen is true, the effects of a lifetime come in waves.

A rock had been thrown into the pond, everyone wanted to see as still, causing the water to ripple, it will take time for those effects to slow, and for the water to once again calm.

Most days I'm able to cope, to see the brightness that lies ahead, other days, like now, the shades are once again drawn, as words of unworthiness, and flashes of bruises, replay in my mind, and make me doubt the reasons for my existence.

One thing I have learned, that I've always known, is that I have a spirit that is tenacious, and a will that can overcome the darkness of the past.


8 comments:

Robert Wiro November 20, 2014 at 10:10 PM  

Teri I know it's hard to move on when you have so many years with the old self but you are headed in the right direction, keep moving and don't let the thoughts drag you down!
(((Hugs & Kisses)))

ELI November 21, 2014 at 1:39 AM  

you always write so good! ... I can see everything you write in pictures. Thanx!

MarkD60 November 21, 2014 at 5:28 AM  

Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen....

Nicole November 21, 2014 at 10:55 AM  

My dear, sweet friend. :-)

The Bipolar Diva November 21, 2014 at 11:45 AM  

I don't think any of you realize how your comments, your emails, texts, and messages get me through the day at times. Thank you.

Just Miss C November 24, 2014 at 2:14 PM  

It is amazing how our spirit can be lifted when we finally see the truth and break free. Of course the past can be hard to shake. But, when you are having a dark day just remember how far you have come. And know that it will pass.

Claudia Schlottman November 24, 2014 at 8:06 PM  

Teri, Never forget that you are a woman of substance and value, and that there are people out here who keep you in our hearts. I have followed your blog since I first read it several years ago, and I have watched you struggle and always prevail. I know you get tired of being strong, and there's nothing wrong with giving your soul the chance to rest...XO

The Bipolar Diva November 24, 2014 at 10:26 PM  

Claudia,thank you. It has been a struggle, and hopefully it's behind me :) my soul does need a rest. xoxoxo

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