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Monday, May 11, 2015

It's been a long, long, time since I've written regularly, and I so miss the cathartic effect it has on me. Many times when I go to write I might have a vague idea of what I'm seeking to convey, or a nagging question in my gut that is answered by the end of my post. My writing was part of my therapy, part of trying to understand my chaotic world.

I've had many, many, emails asking where I've gone, what's been happening, and if I'm still living. Well, here I am. Fresh out of the shower, no contacts, no make up, but I did blow dry my hair, so give me a little break will ya? You can still tell it's me, see the Texas flag and I am wearing a Harley shirt. Same girl, just a year older.


Where have I been you ask? Well, it's been quite the eventful year. Approximately one week before my 27th wedding anniversary my marriage officially ended. I've made three moves, and am about to make another one. 

Here I sit, at 53 years of age, having only worked from home part time, attempting to decipher the uncharted paths before me. I'm wondering what in the hell I'm going to do. It's been anything but smooth, but each day brings more peace. There's much more healing to work through and I need to learn to look at the world with fresh eyes. I need to gain a feeling of worthiness, and empowerment. 

For years I have been in therapy, and treatment, for bipolar disorder, type 2, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic attacks. I've dealt with trauma after trauma since my grandson died in 2004. Many of you have been through the ups and downs I've endured in my life. It was a life filled with uncertainty in everything that surrounded me. I sought solace, and escape, from the world, from life, from everyone, and everything, and I went about it in the wrong way. 

The blog I began to help others gain the confidence to take control of their world, and not allow it to control them, ended up being some of the best therapy I could have ever asked for. You, yes you, have helped me see myself through new eyes. However, being in the eye of a storm is not conducive for writing logically, so I had no choice but to stop. 

For years I ran. I wasn't sure from what, but the running continued until recently. I was running from demons I couldn't, wouldn't, see. They were creatures my doctors tried, year after year, to get me to realize for myself. They hoped my eyes would be opened and my marathon would stop. I could then catch my breath, see my world differently, and deal with the monsters I had buried deep within my soul. Ones that were too painful to face. They finally convinced me, although BD2 is a piece of the puzzle, "severe PTSD" is the major piece and I need to deal with fitting into my therapy, into my life, and into my treatment.  

When I was down you encouraged me. When I wrote something that to me was normal I would get tons of emails and messages thanking me for saying, admitting, what others hadn't, or couldn't admit themselves. They told me they had no idea they weren't alone in their feelings. Those messages were life savers for me. The people that wrote me helped unseal my eyes. They helped me see that the way I was experiencing the world wasn't the norm, it was outside of the lines. I've never been an "in the box" person, and that's ok, but you all have helped me realize that I wasn't seeing things correctly myself. I'll never fit into others preconceived notions of how a person should be, I'll always have an adventurous spirit, but now I can work on seeing the correct way of living in technicolor. 

Yes I have tattoos, yes I ride a Harley, yes I have piercings, yes I'm outgoing and friendly, and you know what? That's ok. If people have a problem with those parts of me, it's their problem not mine, and that's ok. 

I'll be writing of many of those monsters. I need to confront them, get them out, give them a name, and rid them from my life. I also need to be respectful of others, and their feelings, while being transparent enough to, hopefully, help others to avoid the same rolling boulders my family and I have endured. 

xoxoxoxo

14 comments:

Osbasso May 11, 2015 at 8:29 PM  

She's back and she's bad! <3

Karen Mortensen May 11, 2015 at 8:39 PM  

Glad you are okay. Good to hear from you. Keep writing how ever you have to.

The Bipolar Diva May 11, 2015 at 9:15 PM  

thank you Karen. I'm going to make it a goal to write at least three times a week :)

The Bipolar Diva May 11, 2015 at 9:15 PM  

thank you Karen. I'm going to make it a goal to write at least three times a week :)

jen May 12, 2015 at 7:49 AM  

Love this post. I've missed your regular writing, and I hope you're beginning to find what you seek.

Claudia Schlottman May 12, 2015 at 8:48 AM  

Been gone myself, Teri. Glad we're back at the same time. Lots to write about since the death of my son. I'll be following you! XO

The Bipolar Diva May 12, 2015 at 9:15 AM  

thank you Jen and Karen! Karen, I am so sorry, friend my on Facebook (Teri Cherise) I only accept people I know. What happened, when? how are you? I know that was a stupid question. I love you my friends

Susie - Recovering Church Lady May 12, 2015 at 1:10 PM  

She's baaaack! Yay, happy to see this, dear one.

The Bipolar Diva May 12, 2015 at 1:13 PM  

Susie, thank you so much. It's been such a difficult year for so many in my family, but it was what was needed. Now for the future. email me,, if you don't mind, at thebipolardiva@gmail.com I have so much to tell me.

Kristy May 13, 2015 at 7:36 AM  

I'm so glad your back!!!

Just Miss C June 1, 2015 at 12:28 PM  

I'm glad you are back to blogging. As someone who also struggles with anxiety and social phobia I always have loved that you have been so honest and authentic about who you are and what you are going through. That is not always easy to do. I am glad to see how far you have come and I am sure life will keep getting better with time.

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