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The More I See

Saturday, June 27, 2015

I've been back in my house for a bit now trying to get it in order.

Today was my first "real" day to have the time to clean the addition that was put on for my mom, put things away, etc.

The more I found, the more livid I became. Of all the people that lived down in this part of the house it seems the only ones that took care of it was my oldest daughter and her husband.

There's pink fingernail polish all over the granite, gum on the wall, ruined sheets. The coverlet I had bought for Mom had a LARGE marker stain on it. I had always wondered why it was neatly folded and put away. Thank Goodness I was able to get it out finally. Was it really that hard to put in the washer?

Crystal knobs are broken off of the cabinets and closet doors, there's marker all over one of the built in benches. The oven and fridge were a total mess, holes in the rugs. Trash compactor broken, and pee stains all over the mattress we bought for mom, I could go on and on FOREVER.

The dresser is broken, the chairs have things pulled off of them. Good Lord, these were supposed to be "adults," and they wouldn't even respect the fact that their father and I had built this for my mom?

I think the part that upsets me the most is the marker and the fingernail polish. Really? They couldn't have washed the coverlet? Let someone know of the marker on the built in so it could be taken care of, and is it really that difficult to put down news paper, or something to make sure your kid didn't get pink polish everywhere on the granite?

They were given free rent, free utilities, etc. but had no respect for a home that belonged to someone else? They weren't thankful enough to take care of a place they were allowed to live for free? I'm glad their father didn't see all of the mess.

Thank Goodness  my oldest and her husband respected it, and were appreciative enough to treat the place as if they had built it, and I know my oldest son wouldn't have allowed his son to mark all over the addition with marker, he has too much respect for that as well.

I was able to get most of it taken care of. Mom would be happy.

Yeah, ok, that was my rant for the week. Carry on.



The Short of The Long Tonight

Monday, June 15, 2015

Well he found me lying in the floor unconscious, took me to the doc, another seizure. Fun times.

Then the psych diagnosed me with Stockholm Syndrome. Awesome. More therapy.

"Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors."

The doc is pretty freaked about the seizures. They wouldn't allow me to walk, had to use a wheelchair, but he made Harley sounds for me and pushed me really fast so I could feel the wind in my face. Can you say BEST DOCTOR EVER?

Met the woman that lives in back of me. Turns out we have A LOT in common with what we've been through.

More lab work tomorrow to check for a few things. Not gonna make light of it, serious shit going down. On the upswing I've gone from a 28 (basically size 8) to a 26-27 in jeans (size 6). Please God, don't let me lose weight in my boobs. I paid a lot of $$ for those puppies.

So tired from the seizure, gotta sleep awhile so I can do it all again tomorrow, hopefully seizure free this time.

And Susan, have fun reading. Even when you don't leave nasty comments, I can still see you're checking me out so you can burn up the phone lines with gossip. I think it's funny you have this weird fascination with my life. I guess you should, you're in the book.  Oh, and I'm not checking to see if you are reading my posts, I check my audience and stats daily, all of them. I guess some things don't change, ya know, like when you were a girl taking the "neighborhood gossip from house to house," as Denia put it. Grow up, my God woman you're almost 70. 

Enough for tonight, this chick has to sleep. Gotta be beautiful tomorrow and spread some glittery sunshine.

Delirious from lack of sleep and the seizure(s),


Oooh A Nerve Touched! Oh My

Sunday, June 14, 2015

I find it funny when some tries to disguise themselves and leave comments on my blog. They always make me laugh.

I just read one, telling me my doctors only had one side of the story, that's all they needed. They're professionals, they pegged it because every session we attended together I was never allowed to speak, answer questions, nothing, even my marriage counselor told me to leave. Many of the people around us noticed it as well. Have you even known a sane person, one that has to win "at all costs" throw a deck of cards so hard they broke because he lost the game? Our friends have.

So forgive me followers. I have a rare Diva Rant tonight for a coward.

How many sides of the story do you have? One? That's right, only one, or maybe more because of your gossiping ways. That's because you're too afraid that what you might hear will make you stop and think, something of what you're not accustomed to doing. Do you realize I have the ability from apps to tell me exactly where my comments come from?

False accounts, with fake names? That spells coward to me. Let's not turn this into a pissing match. Did you ever speak to my doctors? Did you ever speak to me, no, no you didn't. So climb back under the rock you came from and stay out of my life. YOU are a major part of the problem.

I thought you were open minded and all accepting? But no, let's attack the messenger, kind of like a sociopath does. Could it be we have more than one around? Attacking the messenger when you know no other side of any story, other than gossip, just isn't attractive. One would think at your age you would grow the hell up.

So try that. You saw the signs, you've seen them all along. Pull your head out of the sand. You're only sweeping things under the carpet as you always have. We all know you're perfectly clean record isn't as clean as you make it out to be.

So, excuse me friends with what I'm about to say, I think it's time for you to grow the hell up. Why are you so afraid to hear other sides? Because you know it's the truth. Stop hiding behind your phoney profile, that's real mature, and only goes to show you KNOW I'm correct.

But I'm going to tell it all. You'll see just what the doctors notes were after he was seen with me, the police records from years. But you know what? Your venom doesn't phase me. For it to, I would have to first care about your opinion, and I don't. So go ahead with your delusions. You're showing yourself to be ignorant and a real loser.

The truly blind are those that will not see. How about these pictures. Do you like it them? They are some the police took and two I took. The doctors told me years ago to document everything and I have. Would you like to see the ones victims assistance took as well? You will. You'll also see doctors reports with assault after assault. But you won't believe then either, because that's how blind and ignorant you are. By the way, police reports will be posted showing how many times he was caught hiding evidence, lying, and unable to answer their questions.

I'm not going to post names for the world to see. I'm not like that. I never told a soul. And I begged them to never do anything. Doctors reports will tell you everything, but even in black and white, you'll still be the same as always, a hater. and a follower of the "shining hero" and the man that calls his ex wife all sorts of foul names and cries about her in from of our children using them as pawns in his game of control. Then says he's never spoken an ill word in front of them regarding me.

And by the way, "vagueness" will not be a part of this. Stay tuned if you're not too afraid of the truth.
And if you continue to read you'll see, in the words of the police, the lies he was caught in, and the truth I was telling.You'll also see time after time where the doctors said "suspected domestic violence. She refuses to talk." And of course he has an answer for everything, he lied to me on the phone numerous times on the phone yesterday, did you happen to hear that conversation?

So you know how badly my son was abused? Do you know how his autism was ignored for years, do you know he's in constant pain from the abuse? Do you know of the girl he choked out and hung her against the wall? Do you know we had to hire a criminal attorney for a fight  he got into in a parking lot over who was going to go first? Do you know of the men he chased down and fought in the streets? Do you know if a person flipped him off he would chase them down? Do you know of his road rage, getting out of his truck and confronting people, and not in a gentle way? No, no you don't, because he doesn't speak of his wrongs, only those of ones whose eyes were finally opened by victims assistance and the police, the DA and everyone when he was arrested saw. So shut it.

Grow up, and until you can, stay away. You're jealously is flattering, your lack of a life is pathetic, but you know what? Speak of facts, not what you hear from a sociopath, or those under his spell.

always fun to "fall" down the stairs

finger prints

See the blood? that's where I was punched four times, that I can remember, in the throat in the attempts to kill me. The well glued incision from the day before, when I had surgery, was severed, and the night of the attack the EMT's that showed up told the police I was too medically unstable to interview.

can you read "assault?"

can you read "call police?"

Sorry you had to read that everyone, but don't make up comments you know NOTHING about, and don't use phoney profiles, that's for jr. high.

Sorry folks, next time will be on with business as usual.


The Spell Is Difficult To Break

Saturday, June 13, 2015

It's been a very long several days. I'm tired and emotional. I'm also angry, very angry, at myself.

Even though there were very good times in the past 27 years that will be cherished, I logically can see what the doctors had been telling me was true, but emotionally it's difficult to break away.

I find myself continually taking the blame, saying I'm sorry, falling into the same patterns I had fallen into for years.

Do I hate my ex husband? No, no I don't. It's confusing though, the emotional turmoil, the roller coaster, the still wanting to seek approval out of habit. The fear of being abandoned still haunts me, and I'll get more into that later.

I want to make sure everyone knows this is not in any way a "smear campaign," but rather speaking up for myself after being quiet for so long.

Is my ex husband a "bad man?" No, he isn't. I feel he truly believes what he says. I'm not out to degrade him in any way, but to work out what I've been through, and hopefully help others in the same situation see and re-evaluate.

I know this isn't really a "post," but I needed to "touch base," to tell my story, to heal and move forward with my life.

I will not deny he has done great things for me, and with me, but there was a side no one saw except the professionals, and it took them years to open my eyes.

I guess tonight I just needed to say I wish him well in his new life, I wish no ill will upon him.

I'm tired though. I'm tired of continuing to live in the shadows of untruths. It's time I speak, and it's time to heal, it's time to write, it's time to encourage.

Until later,

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