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He Asked Me To Close My Eyes And Walk

Friday, January 22, 2016

The trees were bare as I stared at them out of my therapist's window. They had dropped their stunning, vivid green clothing of summer that had long since died. They stood silently with their crooked, gnarled arms reaching high toward the grey sky. Life giving water clung to the fingertip like twigs and branches. Every minute or so several drops would fall to the ground and soak into the rich soil in which held their roots tightly.

In the book of Ecclesiastes King Solomon tells us there is a season for everything. This is in no way a religious, or Biblical, post, but rather an analogy.

Ecclesiastes 3

1.There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2.a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3.a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4.a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5.a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6.a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7.a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8.a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

We've all lived these, all of us. As I watched the liquid nourishment fall to the ground in order to feed the root system of the trees, I thought of my life over the last few years. It's been a storm for all too long. While the storm that was is still surrounding me, it is calming.

The therapist startled me out of my thoughts with a request. He wanted me to close my eyes and allow him to lead me into a "meditation." Not a hypnosis type of thing, but rather a tool for letting go of hurtful memories, thoughts, and emotions. 

I closed my eyes and listened as he led me through the woods, seeing a creek, and watch autumn leaves falling to the water. He wanted me to see the leaves as the negative, hurtful, angry, thoughts, and to watch them as they floated the creek, went around the bend, and drift away. 

I did so, but being such a rebel, I didn't walk, I was on my Harley. I asked my followers of my fan page why they rode, but I never answered. I know now. I've done exactly what he led me through while on my Harley. I hear the sounds, I take in the scenery, notice things one would never notice in a car, I enjoy the smell of the fields and of the flowers. I have no thoughts during those times, I'm in the position to be stress free. 

It hit home in a big way. I spoke to my ex husband after the session regarding our son and while doing so I felt a compelling urge to tell him some things that had been holding me captive and unable to move forward in this new chapter I'm facing. 

So many things happened in 28 years, both good and bad, and I told him of some of my earlier mistakes that helped set the scene for the years to follow, he already knew of his. He had forgiven me, and yesterday I forgave him. I don't want either of us to hold on to bitterness, hurt, anger, or resentment. That will only hold us captive to the past. The past cannot be undone, but the future can be influenced by the past, and should, but I don't want it to in a negative way. He and I spoke of the things we did in anger and hurt before, during, and after, the divorce. It doesn't mean they weren't right on either side, but things where logic ends and primal nature takes over. They only caused more devastation for our entire family.

It's so very difficult to see when you're in the midst of the storm its causes. It's only afterward, in life's events, that we can look back, reflect, and put things into perspective. It's when we see why things happened, see mistakes made that turned into mountains, and an eventual landslide taking everything in its path hostage.

Was everything good in our relationship? No. Was everything bad? No. We agreed to make peace, throw the negative emotions, feelings, thoughts, and and any item that could possibly damage us as unique individuals, onto leaves in the river and watch them float around the bend of the creek, and out of our hearts, minds, and souls. Anger and bitterness won't, can't, change a thing for anyone, it prevents healing, and our entire family needs to heal. 

Forgiveness and letting go of harmful, hurtful, emotions, feelings, and thoughts, will only heal our souls, our spirits, and allow us to move into the next chapters of our lives a bit more pulled together, a bit more peaceful. Our family has experienced each of the seasons King Solomon wrote of centuries ago, and now, the war is over and it is time for peace. 

Thank you all for everything you've given me in this journey, thank you for understanding and waiting for me to see for myself, and thank you for not abandoning me during that long, long, storm. 

My family needs to heal, we need to make peace, if not for another for ourselves. We need to be healthy, happy, and let go of bitterness that will only cloud our futures and hold our hearts captive. 

Wow. I think I need a PhD. 

Sending love to you all,

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