Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Here I sit one year post the official termination of a marriage that spanned nearly three decades, several years post separation, nearly a decade post a major downturn in my life that greatly affected my behavior, the behavior of others once close, my present, my future, and the lives of people I deeply love.
For those of you that have followed my writings through the tumultuous times of the last ten years or so you've seen my desperation, my attempts to breathe, my attempts to laugh off serious issues, and my running from demons clawing at my soul. Many of you saw what I couldn't, or wouldn't, see.
At the time I had no valid reasons to explain why I was running except that I felt as if I was trying to escape something deep within my being that was constantly tormenting me. I could never exactly pinpoint where those feelings came from. I only knew that they were there, they were real, and they were killing me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Ashamedly I must admit I never saw how my downfall pulled others into blackness as well.
I had many theories, some valid and some I now feel were me grasping for straws to explain what was happening and were so very wrong. We all have different perceptions of what we go through, some true, some partially true, and some totally wrong. Choices I've made, as we all have, fit squarely into all of those categories. I only want to, need to, focus on mine. I was unable, at the time, to see how in trying to control my out of control mind I ended up, unintentionally, controlling what I thought I could, and in doing so left a wake of damage.
In the midst of it all I lost track of my true self, I made terrible (although unknown at the time) mistakes, or as someone I dearly love pointed out "choices." I realize I wrote a while back that I would tell the story in detail in the hopes of helping others. What I've come to realize on this bumpy journey is that the only details I need to focus on are the ones that caused my personal downfall, the ones I brought on myself, and not to look to the actions, real or perceived, of others. I can explore those in privacy, with my therapist, and not cast blame on someone when I really need to be searching for the reasons behind my own failures and bad choices, and not tarnish the reputations of others in the process.
Four people close to me shook me, some gently and some harshly, into the realization that in doing so I was avoiding looking at the damage I caused, taking ownership for it, and because of that I was avoiding real issues with me that I was before afraid to admit and therefore unable to work on.
I want no further finger pointing, blaming, harsh words or vague insinuations. I want to focus on myself, my healing, my wrong actions, and becoming a better person. What's past is past, although it continues to haunt me, and I think enough time has past that, with the help of those that know me best, I can look back and identify my failings. I don't want to speak of my opinions regarding what I perceived of the failings of others. That won't help me heal, it will not allow me to focus on what I need to repair myself and the damage I caused, it would only divert me from what I need to change in myself and hurt my loved ones more, and I don't want that to happen. I hope that makes sense, you have to remember I'm 53, blonde, and my thoughts are scattered much of the time.
I'm a writer. I write for many reasons. One is to better understand myself, one is for my own therapy, one is to make people chuckle, and one is to encourage those in similar situations. I started this particular blog when I was wrongly diagnosed with bipolar disorder 2. My intentions were multi-pronged in that I wanted healing, self awareness, and I had read so many blog posts of others continually whining about bipolar that I wanted to show people they could take charge of what they were dealing with and not allow their diagnosis control them. I had good intentions with what I thought I knew at the time, but in doing so I miserably failed my loved ones, and most importantly myself.
I've avoided writing during these past few years for a several reasons. One was that the confusion that filled my brain wouldn't allow me to focus. Another is that, even though I didn't do a good job at it, I thought I was avoiding "vengeance." I didn't do a great job at that. I'm impulsive and at times I have written about my feelings, and personal situation, in a way that hurt others perhaps in order to do just that veiled as an attempt to help myself, perhaps for therapy, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....
In doing so I hurt those I should have protected. You would think that with as much therapy as I've had I would have realized many things, and I failed in spectacular ways, in so many areas. I have forgiven everyone I perceived that had hurt me, and I have asked forgiveness of those that I know I have hurt.
I'm emerging from the darkness that had enveloped me with the help of those that witnessed my demise, my changing personality, my fleeing my own demons. I've never pretended to be perfect, but I did attempt to appear more pulled together than I was. I was attempting to control my out of control life. In saying that I am not blaming anyone, I am simply saying my life was out of control and on a downward spiral.
Was I the only one in the wrong? No I wasn't. Everyone involved made mistakes, choices, mainly unintentional, but I don't want to spotlight those, I only want to work on myself so I can be what my Creator intended for me, and to do my best to bring glory to Him. I realize some of you have different spiritual beliefs, and I respect them, I'm not preaching to anyone, I'm only trying to get back on track for myself and for those I love.
To the people that have helped me this past week or so, you know who you are, I have to thank you for everything you all have done to allow me, or force me, to take a deeper look at myself. You have made me see were I was blind, or unwilling to see the actions of mine that contributed to this perfect storm. I hold nothing against you, I can only thank you for stances you took, reaching out when you did, and loving me in spite of my craziness. Those actions you took have helped me emerge from the darkness I had surrounded myself with in the attempt to control my very out of control world.
After a very long conversation a couple of days ago I realized how deeply I affected a person I had tried to protect my entire life. I was in mama bear mode and didn't see, until just recently, I should have known when the time was right to step away from mama bear mode and allow my child the ability to breathe, learn, make mistakes, grow, think, fight, on her own. In fighting to protect her I didn't see I was slowly killing her. I'm not sure if it's normal not to know where the boundaries are with an adult child, or if we all have to learn by trial and error. One thing I can honestly say is that I was blind and needed emotional slapping to be able to realize my failures and address them.
I have a lot of work to do on myself. I've always known that but it hurt too much to get to the root of what I need to in order to be the best I can be for not only myself but for those I love, those I encounter, and those I influence in ways I don't know I do.
I value your insight, I ask for your help, and I cannot begin to express in words how much your support has meant to me through the years.
I do have one thing to ask of a few of you that are stalking me for no reason other than to gossip, burn up phone lines, or talk smack. I know who you are, you know who you are. If you have no interest in me other than to talk smack, stop stalking me from Massachusetts and Texas.
A Work In Progress,