Monday, March 14, 2016
My Dad did explain in depth of the reasons often, especially after Mom died when he was more free to speak without disrespecting Mom's desire to just ignore them. I didn't believe my parents, I'd never seen that side of my Mom's sisters as she and my father had. I was blind where my brothers were not. I'd lived in the Northwest since 1990 and my bothers witnessed much more first hand than I had during the time I had been living away from my native state.
In the time since my Mom died I've come to realize exactly why my parents felt that way. After Mom died her sisters were on my back before I could even grasp the idea my mother had been killed when they swooped in and attempted to force me to go through my Mom's things, to remove every memory of her from our house. I wasn't ready, Dad wasn't ready. They pushed, and pushed, and pushed, never appearing to stop and think that my Mom's kids and her husband were not, in any way, ready to have my Mother's things removed from our family home. We all needed time to process and grieve. Dad wanted to keep peace, I wanted to keep peace, so we decided to give in that one time in the hopes the continual pestering would stop.
We called one of Mom's sisters and took her up on her offer so she would quit hounding us. We didn't want them there for the simple reason we weren't ready, but Dad wanted to keep peace, looked at me and said, "This snake has never shed her skin. Be careful I don't want to be here when she is."
While she was there, directing every move, we came across a box that had written on it "Denia's pictures." Denia was my grandmother, my Mom's mom, an icon to me.
Mom's sister wanted that box, she hadn't even looked into the box, yet she was obsessed by it. I remained steadfast and told her no. I knew what the box contained, pictures my grandmother had of my Mom, my bothers and me as children, and pictures related to us. This is the same sister that my mom had to fight to allow me to have a few of my grandmother's things after her death, and that took years. On that note, the other sister took my grandmother's wedding ring after her death and gave it to her daughter, my grandmother had left it to me. She also took the jewelry my grandmother left to me because she didn't like what my grandmother left her. My cousin is a beautiful, gracious woman, and she had no idea, and there is no way I want it misconstrued that she had any idea of what her mother did. While we're on the topic of my grandmother, my grandmother had it written in her will that each grandchild was to receive a certain amount of money after her death. More about that in a bit.
After Mom's sister forced her will upon my family, invading our attempt to heal, she proceeded to tell everyone she encountered, it seemed, that I didn't want her there because I thought she was going to steal my Mom's things. How messed up is that? The thought never crossed my mind, I was was on auto pilot, as was my father, and we were trying to make our way through a horrible, horrible event in our lives.
Back to my grandmother. Two of her daughters conveniently "forgot" my grandmother's wishes of the money she wanted her grand children to have after the sell of her farmland, but my Mom, my Mom on the other hand honored Denia's wishes and when my bothers and I bought out first houses Mom wrote us each a check in the amount my grandmother wanted us to have, with interest. Mom had integrity. I had no idea her sisters didn't honor my grandmother's dying words until I spoke to a cousin about what my Mom had done. My cousin was shocked, asked her Mom, and her Mom denied it. Dad always told me Mom's sisters were greedy and thought only of themselves, but I never thought they would steal from their own children and then lie about it. When I was speaking about what I had learned about the situation with my Mother, Mom never said a word, but looked at me in a knowing way, shook her head and rolled her eyes. I knew what she meant.
The sister that showed my family no respect for our grief due to my Mom being killed then showed her colors, as Mom had always insinuated, by calling me while I was driving from Texas to Oregon after my Mother's funeral and proceeded to scream at me, call me names, and throw about accusations for about two hours. I threw them right back because at that moment my Mom's avoidance of her, and my Father's words, suddenly made sense, especially when she ended with, "Don't tell Andy (my Dad) about this conversation." I called my Dad immediately. The woman, in my parent's opinions, as well as mine, and my brothers at the time, they may have changed their minds by now but I don't think so, but in my Dad's words, "That woman is batshit crazy."
My family was not ready to do as the sisters were trying to force us to do. They weren't in our place, they didn't know what we were going through, they wanted to force their wants onto our family. The second I left Texas for Oregon that woman came back, with the help of another woman, and they continued to do MY job as a daughter, they finished going through my Mom's things throwing things away, giving them away, and who knows what else, when in fact it was my responsibility as my Mother's daughter to go through her possessions. How do I know? My Dad told me it was my place and that my brothers would take care of his as his sons.
Dad was pissed at BOTH of the women that did that to me, to him, and to my Mom's memory. When my Dad died and it was time for my brothers to go through my Father's things I really hope those women didn't force themselves on my brothers as they did with my Father and me. While they may have been trying, in their minds, to be "helpful," they should have been sensitive to my family's grief and give us time, and the respect, to do it our way, not theirs.
Dad and I had many talks after Mom died where he spelled out everything, in detail, of why he and my mom detested her sisters. I do have to admit that one of my Mother's sisters stepped up to the plate and was there for my Dad when I couldn't be. She really did make an effort to care for Dad in his situation, and I appreciate her efforts and will be forever thankful to her for what she did for my first hero. Even with her generous efforts my father never forgot that when my grandmother was dying of lung cancer he and my mom had given my grandmother several thousand dollars because of her situation. He was livid at one of the sisters, and her husband, specifically because they said they couldn't help because it would take their "vacation" money. Come on, your mother is dying of lung cancer, in great need yet your vacation was more important than the little life that was left of your own mother? Character check.
True to form though, after my father died, the same sister that had attacked and accused me after Mom was killed verbally attacked my brother's wife just as she did with me, although not as severe, it still shook my brother's wife to the core for no reason and the pain and tears she caused my brother's wife is inexcusable.
I was visiting that particular sister several years ago when she, her husband, and I went to dinner at one of my favorite places. They both started in on me as to why my brothers wanted nothing to do with them and how my brothers had hurt my Mom's sister's feelings. Why put me in that situation, there was no way on this Earth I was going to tell them of things my brothers had told me privately. If it was that big of a deal to them they should have gone TO my brothers and not BEHIND their backs, but that's their MO. She shouldn't have been a bitch. My brothers did as my father had told us in the weeks before his death, and that was to stay away from them all. He felt that when he died they would turn their gossipy, and bitterness, onto my brothers and me, and they certainly did so. How dare they be so insensitive as to attack grieving children whose parents had died so closely in time to the other one.
My parents were PISSED about many things, one being my Dad's car being wrecked, one being that Dad was TOLD he was going to be taking my Mom's sister's son, whom they both despised, home with them from Colorado to Texas. Oh Dad was pissed, as was Mom. My bothers and I heard about that for years. They were pissed that they had to fight a sister for me to have some of my grandmothers items, they were pissed by their gossipy ways, they didn't like their pretentious attitudes, and their way of "playing nice to get info they would use to destroy," Dad's words.
A couple of weeks before my Dad died he told me to be aware that one of the sisters would pretend to care in order to gather information to spread to the other and not to trust anything they said. Once again, while I did take in his words, I hadn't seen it personally, that is until he died.
Dad had it pegged. They played their roles perfectly as he had described. I guess I got off track a bit regarding my brothers and why they had avoided Mom's sisters, they listened to Dad and steered clear. In the time I had lived half a continent away they had witnessed just what my Father was trying to convey to me. My brothers were the smart ones.
After years of them stalking me when I fell apart after my Dad's death I got tired of the nasty comments two 70+ year old women would leave on my social media. Really? Old women dogging me on social media? I had never dogged them. I'd never publicly spoken of affairs, I'd never spoken of the knives hidden with the sweet talk of a southern woman, alcoholism, drug abuse, and I'd never spoken of their hatred for their children's choice of partners, their bitterness, their games, their lying to their children. I never once publicly spoke of the skeletons in their closets.
They not only attacked me on Facebook, or this blog, but on LinkedIn, Twitter, all of my social media sites. I blocked them on the ones I could, listened to my parents advice finally and cut them out of my life. They are gossipers with one mission, to make themselves feel better and cause discord within the family. One of them would come up with "anonymous" profiles just to throw nasty, unfounded, darts at me. The darts they threw at me were very familiar to the ones they threw at my brothers in other ways. The thing is, that I finally understood, they are exactly as my Father described. They, in spectacular explosions, exposed themselves. I could no longer deny what my parents had tried to warn me of.
Mom and Dad were correct. Now think to yourselves just why would "blood" be so hateful to take all that energy to make someone that had gone through extreme trauma over several years, much of which they didn't know of, nor care to know, and why would they speak so hatefully to me about my brothers, their wives, yes you as well sisters-n-law? Then comes another question, why would they make accusations when they have no concept actuality?
You may be wondering why I have gone off the way I have, which is unusual for me to do in public. They are continuing to stalk my every post on every site they can. The only reasons I can think of are that one, they have very boring lives, or two (most likely) they want more fuel for the fires they like to sit by and degrade others in the attempts to warm their cold souls. I should take it as flattery, but knowing their intentions, they're looking for another to devour.
I've asked them several times to stop stalking me, to grow up and act their ages, and they, well at least one the one that is the "information gatherer" as Dad called her, refuses to stop. So now it's my turn to switch up the game.
I track hits on my sites daily, and I saw this yet again this morning:
It came from my Mother's sister Susan Outslay Baker. That link will take you to one of her professional sites. I, in NO way, want anyone to make any ugly comments on her site, but if she can't stay out of my life, I don't think she would mind me allowing you into hers. She's the one with the false names she has used to leave nasty comments on my various sites. I won't put a link to her personal sites, nor to my mother's other sister's personal site. But if it's attention she's seeking, there it is. The world knows you know Susan. Grow up and keep your nose in your own business, not mine. Another word to you, and Sandra Clendenin, if I were you I'd think twice before attempting to pour your poison on my children. I know you are because I know who you are, but think twice. Remember the phrase, "Hell hath no fury?" Remember it, repeat it, memorize it. Have respect for once in your lives and don't attempt to contaminate my children, or my ex husband (he's aware of your tactics) with your sugary, southern, poison disguised as concern and false "love." Leave me and my family alone or you will see in technicolor exactly what that phrase means. I'd remember this if I were you, my Mom and my Dad, made sure all of their grandchildren knew exactly what the two of you are about. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can charm them. They'll be nice, they'll be respectful, but they know the truth. My parents made sure they knew your games, and your actions since her death made them believers.
Feeling better now and ready to get back to regular programming as I feel their poison leaving my home. Oh, one more word of wisdom....we're all human. The two of you live in glass houses, it wouldn't be wise to throw stones, I know your skeletons.