Monday, October 10, 2016
However I have few close friends. People tend to scare me a bit and I become much more of an introvert, especially when on the "turf" of another. I have no problem striking up conversations with strangers, I'll never see them again, I can be my bubbly, happy go lucky self, or engage in more intellectual conversation involving any, and every, thing under the sun.
My friends, my real friends, on the other hand are few and carefully chosen. It takes me awhile to watch, listen, and see if it's a relationship that is safe or if it's not. Over the years I have carefully, purposely, wrapped my heart, and soul, heavily with sheaths of tin and barbed wire.
There was a misunderstanding with a "new" friend, I retreated as usual. She was hurt, never my intention, but I do see how I did indeed hurt her.
We had a long, deep, involved, conversation over the telephone and were able to straighten some things out. Then came a question I've never before been asked. "Why do you lie to your friends."
"What?" "You heard me. Why do you lie to your friends? From Facebook it seems all is perfect in your world and from our conversation it's not. Why do you lie to us?"
I'd never thought of it that way before, in that particular light. There are very few I let know my personal problems these days. I've learned my lesson the hard way. Also I hate whiny people that are so negative and complain about everything. Hell I've even told my therapist I feel badly for letting my problems out on him, and I pay him to listen and to advise me.
The truth is that I don't want to dwell on negativity. I don't want to be constantly complaining. Yes, I have an extremely complicated, scary life, but what good would it do to tell the world of the demons I face? It would do nothing more than make me more afraid and anxious, and it would put an unneeded burden on those I care about, and that is out of my life.
I'm learning how to face those demons, prioritize, segregate, and work on each of the monsters in the closet one by one, If I need help along the way I do have a few I can bounce ideas off of, and I do have my therapists, not to mention my writing.
I've learned the hard way most people don't want to help, they want fodder for gossip. I won't be a part of their lack of maturity and/or respect. I'm changing my life each day for the better, and will continue to do so with each breath that I take.
It was after her startling question I realized I am indeed changing. I'm not lying, I'm learning. I adore you my friend, you made me think.