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The Uncensored Truth

Saturday, April 1, 2017

It's been so very long since I have written, so very, very, long.

I never stopped writing, observing, and learning. It was not captured by tapping the keys on a keyboard but rather by making mental notes from analyzing the last nine years, all that lead to my fall, and allowing, sometimes kicking and screaming, myself to look into my soul, see myself for exactly who I am, a flawed human that erratically ran from deeply embedded traumas and in doing so gravely damaged those I love most.

Did I do it intentionally? Of course not, I would never intentionally hurt the ones whose hearts mean the world to me but hurt them I did. The wounds run deep and will hopefully heal allowing the restoration and reconciliation of all involved.

I told my husband over and over, when I began to fracture, that I was not running from him, or our children, but how could any of them believe what I said when they were the ones incinerated as they witnessed the unspeakable actions of the one they looked to for stability?

At that time I didn't know from what I was running. I only knew I felt as though I was drowning, and my world was imploding. I sought distractions from the pain within my core but the flames only intensified and the disarray of my thoughts and actions worsened.

After the flames destroyed me, and all I held, and still hold, dear, I found myself in a pile of ash, scared, alone, and broken. I found myself in exactly the place, I believe, God needed me to be so He could build me back into be the woman, the mother, and the wife, He had intended for me to be all along.
After my destruction I was able to step back and go through madness to find myself and what was torturing my soul. These past few years have allowed me to walk out of the flames that were burning in the depths of my being and face the immense fear of acknowledging, feeling, and dealing with, the multiple traumas, purposely hidden events of times long past, and haunting flashbacks, that at the time, I couldn't piece together.

Bit by bit, day by day, sometimes minute by minute I fought to survive. I, with the help of intense therapy and the loss of all I held dear, forced myself to relive, face, and feel, the intense pain I had buried so long ago. I realized that each event I buried, each event I blocked, each event I refused to acknowledge because of fear, never went away. What it did was build, and intensify, until I was too weak to continue on and it took me down without me realizing what, or why, the fall that destroyed my world occurred.

I now know, by the Grace of God, the fact that events I had once blocked from my memory, things I chose to bury, that I allowed Satan's greatest tool, fear, to take, not only me, but my family as well, into the pits of hell.

Today I can honestly say that I fought back, not always by myself, but I did the one thing Satan didn't want me to do, I faced my fears, my shortcomings, my failures, my mistakes, my bad choices, and by doing so, by facing my fears and admitting them, I have allowed my Creator to take the pile of ash I found myself in and mold me into the person He wants me to be.

By my choice of ignoring my fears, by not confronting my failures, or admitting how very flawed I am, I allowed the downfall of my family to occur. Yes, there were other things that were involved in the mix, but I am taking responsibility of all I allowed to happen, I am taking responsibility for the destruction of my family.

Do I regret what happened? Most certainly I do. I regret, and mourn for, what happened to those I love so very much. For me, what I went through, what I lost, what I learned, I regret nothing, for it taught me more than I could have ever have learned had it not happened and I am okay with that.

I am peaceful, I am confident, I am joyful, and I am so very thankful to serve a God that loves me so much that He alone brought me through those times. He provided what I needed most at the very times I needed it. He placed people in my life that He used to shape me. He brought me home. Should I regain what I lost the glory will be His, should I not, I can truthfully say I, even though saddened, I am at peace for the first time in many years, and that alone is a great testimony to His healing powers.

The days of running from my fears are gone. The ability to face them head on is a feeling that is not one easily described but it is amazing.

Where I stand today, being able to admit, to see, to face my fear, is only by the Grace of God and to Him be the glory.

Forever flawed but trying,


Diametrically Opposing Realities

Friday, January 20, 2017

As the intricate cloak of the past fell to the ground
A child appeared where a woman once stood

Eyes that had previously seen the world though a mist of grey fog
Now see it through those of an inquisitive toddler

Although both views are intimidating
They brought, and will bring, laughter, tears, joy, and fear

Both perspectives are multi dimensional learning experiences to be embraced
The wonderful, treasured, memories of decades past are mingled with a new life

The merging of two such diametrically opposing realities bring challenging obstacles
That in time will unite, completing the circle that was written in the universe centuries ago

A new woman will emerge energized with the finest of all that has been learned
The dark times will be integrated and will be seen for what they were intended

Light cannot exist without darkness, learning without failure, appreciation without loss
Strong winds will come in hopes of bringing failure and doubt

We can allow our feathers to be ruffled or we can seize an upward current and soar
We can choose to see only the darkness of night or the brilliance of stars upon black velvet

The choice is ours to make
The circle ours to complete



Sleeping In The Snow

Saturday, January 7, 2017

I feel the need to write but of what I don't know. The thoughts vaporize the very moment they begin to manifest.

My head is filled with looped, unending, visions of the mingling of past and present. There is no cohesive pattern that can be identified.

My homeless, mentally ill, son sleeping in the streets of Portland in the snow is haunting. In my mind's eye I envision him crouching in crevices, hidden tunnels, tent city, hungry, cold, scared, confused. The beauty of downtown lights, parks, sidewalks, in the midst of snowflakes gently falling, is washed away with the realization a child of mine has chosen a life that has no foundation in reality.

The thought of him suffering is too much to dwell on, so I push it aside in favor of Jenga, hot chocolate, the fur of my German Shepherd that continually covers the Saltillo tile floors in my home, and how I will make it to the gym tomorrow in this weather.

I'm thinking of my newest tattoo and my addiction to ink, the allure, the rebellion, the sensual seduction it represents. I miss my sensual side, the eroticism screaming from deep within my soul. It's been buried for far too long and I'm not sure how much longer it can remain so. I feel out of sorts and unbalanced.

Next my mind wanders into the following week when I will be making a drastic change in my appearance. I'm excited but nervous, joyous but unsure.

I'm thinking of the feel of the Egyptian cotton sheets on my bare skin, the smell of the almond cream around my eyes, and the sound of a campfire emanating from the sleep therapy console on the dresser.

I have beautiful thoughts, symbolic imagery, dancing dreams, attempting to flow from my mind to my fingers to the keys on the computer but they are quelled by thoughts of warm weather, Palm Beach, Vallarta, Cabo, Waikiki, and those are darkened when the heart of a Mother remembers the smile of her child when he's not in a psychotic state. He's an adult now, and my hands are bound. However, my heart, my love, my concern is with each of my children but tonight mostly with the scruffy, bearded, man-child, roaming downtown avenues seeking a place of warmth in the icy cold of the harsh weather. May God be with him, and with all of my children.

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